Soulmates

[chefboy2160]

Just a quick question for all of my cheftalk friends . In your experiences in relationships have you ever encountered your true Soulmate . If you have what was the experience like when encountered ? I am 42 and have been married twice but I have never had that soul fullfiling feeling that I now am enjoying with a woman I have known for 3 years . We started as work associates,
Became work partners and friends and where she became my best friend I do not know . Our relationship is now more than friends but we have not consumated it physically as we are both still legally married and she is still living with her husband . We both refuse to do the wrong thing and get a motel room because this experience we are having has so much more depth than that . My question is , has anyone experienced this kind of love before ? This is a love that cannot be expressed with words as there has never been such a feeling of bliss and calmness in our lives before this transpired . There is no effort , everything is natural . FYI , she is about to ask her husband for a divorce as she cannot be with him and not think about me .
Your thoughts shall be well recieved . Thanks , Doug................

 

[peachcreek]

Yikes! Don't do it! YOUR MARRIED for crying out loud. For better or worse, remember? OK, so it got worse, at least you could end it before you try to start a meaningful relationship.
The sex won't be as good as you think.....

 

[chefboy2160]

I should have stated that my wife and I have been seperated for 4 years and my girlfriend has never been happy in her relationship with her husband nor does she love him .
I know there are so many factors that the mind can interject but this is true love and so what can you do but follow your true self ? Doug.......................................

 

[phoebe]

Oh sweetie,

I'm both happy for you and concerned. There were a few times I thought I'd found my soulmate, but I was terribly wrong. And now I've been with David, my dearest love, best friend, and annoying pest (we switch off on that role ) for 11 years (married for 3 1/2). The path was slow and steady. And though it quivered a few times, it never wavered. If this is what you have, hold on to it and cherish it.

Now for my concerns:
1. Why have you been separated for 4 years but not divorced? This is a horribly personal question and I am not asking for an answer. I'm suggesting that maybe you need to answer it for yourself.
2. And, on a similar note, why has your girlfriend remained married to a man she is not happy with?

I'm concerned because leaving one relationship for another is not always healthy for the new relationship not to mention for all the individuals involved. If you divorce your wife and if she divorces her husband it really needs to be an act independent of this new relationship.

I know this isn't what you asked, but you had to know that if you open your heart to your friends here, we'll open our hearts and minds to you because we care.

with love,
phoebe

 

[brie]

If it survives the test of time, then you're in the clear. That's my opinion - take it for what it's worth. Oftentimes people have these fierce attractions to one another that unfortunately fizzle out as time passes and the excitement of a new relationship dies down. If you do decide to enter into a relationship with this lady, I hope that both of you keep this at least in the back of your minds. It stinks to start off a potentially new relationship with a negative point niggling somewhere in your brain, but in my mind it's better to be realistic than horridly disappointed somewhere down the road.

 

[kuan]

My brother in food...

To answer the question, yes. Now on to the more serious part.

I urge you to think about your relationship as part of a big picture, mainly, your life. You see, your affair stands in relation to your marriage. Without the marriage, there would be no affair. In a sense, the marriage is what makes affairs so alluring to many people. Without the marriage there would be no affair, no sparks, nothing... well, maybe.

Can you honestly say that neither of you have any emotional baggage you need to dump on each other? Do you find mutual comfort in the company of one another far away from the troubles you both experience at home? Are you bonding because you both identify with the "same" issues and "same" kind of problems? Strip away all of that. When all is said and done, what substance is left?

Kuan

 

[w.debord]

Yes.

A soul mate can't be achieved until you've been with each other for many many years.

I've never walked in your shoes, but if you've been married a couple times you may confuse the early rush of emotions as that's what love is. Lot's of people chase after those earily emotions, but all the real stuff doesn't start until you've been together at least 10 years. I hate to put a time minimum on it, but the longer you've been married the more you'll agree with me.

I'm sorry, I know you came here to share your happiness but there were things you wrote that put up little red flags in my head.

For instance; "There is no effort, everything is natural." -Love that lasts along time takes ALOT of effort! It's all about work. "Natural" is about being a human animal, that chases what it driven too with-out thought.

 

[suzanne]

Doug: I used to love "love." But for a long, long time now, I prefer compatability. Loving love got me in trouble sometimes; loving compatability has made my life livable.

To explain: I met my (one and only) husband in 1971 when he started working in the same office. We were both in our early 20s. We dated for three years, just going to plays, concerts, restaurants, etc. -- dating others in the same time. We did not have "intimate relations" during all that time. Then it finally hit us in 1974 that, yes, we were soulmates. We've been together since then and got married in '86. We've been through ups and downs over almost 30 years, but we've gotten through them TOGETHER. Some of the downs were because I still loved "love," or because of individual career setbacks; we worked that out. The ups have been because we were so much in synch about, oh, just about everything that matters to us such as politics; doing good for others; silly things like making jokes; and just learning new stuff together. In other words, because we worked at being soulmates.

We still have the downs, naturally -- that's what life is. At this point, though, it's just too much trouble to even consider that someone else might help each of us get through them better. ( That's a joke. )

I can't tell you "Do this" or "Do that," but I can ask: are you comfortable that you can face the uncertainties of life with your soulmate as you have not been able to with others? Because that's why I hooked up with mine. And I've not been disappointed.

 

[chefboy2160]

Thanks for all the input everybody . You have all said so much that I feel I need to elaborate on what is happening . I have been working for 3 years as the food service manager of a skilled nursing facility . I share an office with the Dietitian who is the woman I am in love with . We have a very real friendship that is so hard to put into words . We talk about everything and nothing at all . For the last 2 years we have been spending an average of 10 hours a week on the telephone talking . We are totaly different people , shes the clinician and she loves to rationalize everything . I on the other hand am a happy go lucky free spirit who before this friendship started realy did not have a care in the world . Shes cautiouse and I am spontaneause , shes quite and I am loud . She is a college graduate and Im a high school dropout with a GED . We have never had even an argument . We have no hangups between us , no apprehensions or fears . She makes me feel cared for like I have never felt in my life . I can feel her in my heart at all times . Its like we have known each other always.
My marriage has been over for 4 years as my wife has been living with another man for this time period and I have been taking care of our 2 sons . She has had some medical problems come up so I have not divorced her yet as I am still covering her on my insurance . I have told her of my situation now and that I will be divorcing her to get remarried .
Christine ( my girlfriend ) has been married for almost 11 years and she was never in love when she did get married and the relationship has done nothing but grow farther and farther apart .
she thought that having children would put somthing between them but it did not .
We have both had these feelings inside of us for a long time but we did not tell each other until 3 weeks ago ( March 20 , the first day of spring ) . Since we have been truthfull its like a landslide of emotions have hit us . She immediatly told her husband about our feelings and his response is to keep us seperated so that he can change her feelings towards him . They are also going to counseling where she is being told that love is a choice and that she can choose not to love me and to love her husband . I , being
who I am have had real trouble with these arrangements as I know that we shall be together for the rest of our lives . She has also admitted to herself , to me , to her husband and the counselers that she is not able to put these feelings behind her and that she cannot make a true effort to try to save her marriage . Her husband came to my office last week and told me to stay away from Christine so that he can save his marriage . I told him how can I live a lie and that me and Christine have something so powerfull and so deep that I cannot explain it to
you . I also told him that Christine and I were best friends and that I knew his wife much better than he did . Needless to say he walked out of my office , stopped in the middle of the kitchen , called me a homewrecker , and walked out . Oh by the way he also works in the same building with us so that kind of makes for some tense times .
What Christine and I have decided to do is to stay seperated from each other and not talk to each other on the phone so that she can show her husband an attempt that has no heart in it and she can finally come out and ask him for a divorce with a totally clear conscience .
So thats were I am for now as we spoke last night on the phone for the last time until this is over . I am not the kind of person to stand back and let this happen but I love her and must respect her wishes .
I will let you all know of the outcome and thanks again for all the great advice . Your Friend , Doug.........................

 

[phoebe]

Dear Doug,

Yes, this does make the situation clearer and more painful. I am so very sorry you are going through such a difficult time, and my thoughts and best wishes will be with you. Please let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.

with love,

phoebe

 

[isa]

Love is a strange thing and it can make you do even stranger things.


Love makes you feel elated and powerful especially when your love is just blooming. You feel you're in a bubble going higher and higher. I do not want to be a bubble blower.


In time of happiness, you can never conceive that things often do not go as plan. Be as happy as you can be with your new love, and listen to friends who try to make you see the both side of the mirror...


I wish you all the happiness is the world...

 

[shroomgirl]

oh to be in love!!!! nothing, nothing can compare.

 

[chefboy2160]

Update , Christine has decided due to religious and the moral ramififacations that come with it to attempt to make her marriage work ( She is of the Mormon faith) and I am of the faith of what is the truth ( Ramana ) . In order for her to divorce her husband she would not be allowed to spend eternity with her family . This is realy big stuff and I do not know how to respond but to tell her I love her and I shall always be her friend . She tells me she has no feelings for her husband as she has for me and she never will but that this was her choice 11 years ago and she must live by it for her children or else . She states she will always love me and I know this is true but it is hard to see this type of religious blackmail . She told me that she must be prepared to give herself with no thought of herself but in knowing she is doing what is best for her children . She does not want this but she says that she has been told that she is being selfish with her desires and wants and that she must think of the family first .
Well , as you all said , Love can be tough . where can you find such happieness and pain all at the same time . Oh well and so goes life . She has told me that she does not recognize her husband since she has confronted him with our feelings 3 weeks ago but that he is acting like she wants . Paying attention and giving and helping . I guess new things can be born out of anothers love . Thanks for your support friends . Allways cooking Douglas ......................................

 

[thebighat]

Been following this with interest and compassion. chefboy, I wish you peace of mind.

and shroomgirl, never forget, (said the Pike)... "Love is a trick played on us by the forces of evolution. Pleasure is the bait..."

 

[phoebe]

Oh Doug, I am so very sorry. Actually, I've put off posting a response, hoping for some inspired words that might help even a little. But these are all I have. How are you holding up? Please take care of yourself and know that we are thinking of you.

 

[chefboy2160]

Thank You all my friends . I shall survive this and hope to learn ? How do you learn the heart though ? All I can say now is thanks for your support ! Keep cooking , Doug............................