Kitchen Humor

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Joined Feb 21, 2010
Have tried/seen many of these over the years, but the one that backfired most spectacularly was leaving a commis to cook lobsters for a 200 cover banquet in a 5 star hotel. He was given very specific instructions, with a final warning that 'If they change colour, they're screwed, and so are you...'
On returning from the split shift, everyone set themselves up, and it took a while to realise the commis was nowhere to be seen. And neither were the lobsters.
At which point a kitchen porter arrived, asking if there were supposed to be so many lobsters in the garbage....

...The kid was found, in tears, in his room, packing his bag...!
 
 
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Joined Jan 23, 2010
there is a Coke can vending machine at work in the staff room, the 'coin-return' lever jams when it is pressed down fully so that everytime a coin gets slotted in it just comes right back out again. i sit there watching people trying and eventually giving up after numerous attempts to get a can.


one of the chefs i work with is due to leave, he's on a weeks leave right now before returning for a final week, i worked the final shift with him before his leave and at the end of the shift we totally rearranged all the kitchen equipment - all the benches, fridges and microwaves, and locked all the draws on the fridges too
 
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Joined Feb 16, 2010
Another time, we had a culinary weenie, and our exec screamed at him,"Hey, reduce me a gallon of water by half, STAT!!!'  When the weenie was done, the chef walked over, tasted it real quick, and with an incredulous look on his face, screamed "You idiot, you didn't season it."  That one brought the kitchen to a standstill for 15 minutes.
 
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Joined Sep 20, 2013
My favorite trick for the new guy when we were across from the Canadian tire store, was sending him over to the auto shop to get a "wheel alignment" on the kitchen cart, haha or frantically asking him to find the ice mix because we are running out, have him come back and he cant find ther bag so i gave him some cash to go buy ice mix from the store across the street only to have the employees there laugh him out of the store, poor guy went to two different stores asking everybody for ice mix because he didnt want to come back empty handed,
 
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Joined Jun 14, 2013
We had a helium tank that needed to be returned to the rental shop---It was half full and it did seem a shame to send it back full----

The answer was to fill a dozen garbage bags with the gas and pack them into the dumpster---and send Pablo to take out the trash--

The look on his face when he flipped open the lid was priceless-----
 
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Joined Feb 13, 2013
I hate to admit that I laughed at many of the instances people wrote here (the lobsters, the shrimp and the reduced water were hilarious) cause I once worked with a FNG who was incredibly shy and nice to everyone but really motivated to learn. He didn't show up for work one day and everyone was like WTF he's never late, come to find out he purposely mixed a bunch of sleeping pills and alcohol the previous night because he really thought he sickened a customer because he served a broken aioli. The GM and the sous were just playing around but kept the story up of how we might get sued because this phantom customer got a terrible infection from the aioli and this poor kid thought he almost killed someone because "he was so stupid to serve a broken aioli". He never came back to work and nobody knows what happened to him, I still think of him 3 years later every time I get frustrated with a FNG.

Hate to burst the fun bubble but never do anything where someone can get hurt, honest pranks are OK but know what type of people you're dealing with and  where that line exists.
 
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Joined Dec 4, 2010
One of my favorite stories was completely unintentional. At my work place, we were doing a Filipino marketing event. There were some ingredients I couldn't get from my current purveyors so I had to go shopping at some Filipino and Asian markets. I was doing this on Monday, my day off, and I was by myself. I'd done this before. I would stop in and get the company credit card, go do the shopping, and return with the ingredients and card. 

As I'm walking through one of the markets getting all my stuff, I see a great sale on live blue crabs at only $1.99/lb. It was a one day only thing and they were some great looking crabs so I picked four of the scrappiest looking ones. I figured I'd buy them with my own money and give them to the executive chef and the other sous chef as a nice gesture. They're both big crab fans. I get out the market and make my way back to work. They're in a brown paper bag I started going around the building to a few of the managers and employees and I'd say "Hey, check out what else I found." They would be startled for a second and then usually laugh about it when the bag opened and these four angry crabs are shaking their claws at them. The best part is this isn't even the good part of the story.

The chef and other sous chef were happy for these crabs was they were both leaving in about an hour and they decided they'd like to hold off till the next day before eating them. I decided to set up a little make shift enclosure for them in the office that the three of us shared. I filled a pan with 6" hotel pan with ice and put a 4" pan on top with a little water, a few bits of food, etc. Our big worry when we got in the next day that the crabs would be dead and our snack would be gone. Not from leaving them alone all night but these particular little buggers were especially ornery. Whenever they saw someone, they'd started gurgling and waving their claws violently. We were worried that our snacks would start a fight club and we'd be sharing one crab between the three of us the next day. We turned out the lights and hoped for the best.

Here was the fun part. The next day the head cook came in at 5:30 in the morning to work our Tuesday morning omelette station. All the burners and pans were kept in the office so he had a key. Here's the fun part, he didn't work on Monday so he had no knowledge of the crabs from the day before. He opens the office and decides to sit down for a couple minutes while finishing his coffee. For whatever reason, he didn't turn the lights one. After a minute, he starts hearing a gurgling noise. He started to get worried thinking it sounded like gas. He starts looking around the office and sees the hotel pans sitting on a table by the wall. He walks over and looks in where he see four crabs spitting and angrily waving their claws at him. He jumps back wondering if he was dreaming or not. He initially thought he was dreaming because he's allergic to shellfish and figured it was some sort of weird nightmare. When he realized he wasn't dreaming, his second question was "Why are there crabs in the office"?
 
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Joined Jul 17, 2012
We had an FOH manager who liked to sample the desserts, so one day we made a few special mayo-filled cream puffs for her. Priceless.
 
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Joined Dec 18, 2011
The sous chef hid in the linen dumpster, then we called the know it all waiter and told him we needed help prying it open...priceless...he literally pissed himself.
 
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Joined Sep 27, 2013
Our head chef poured a bag of flour onto a newbies chopping board and said "chop this flour much finer than it already is".

Newbie grabs a santuko from the wall and begins to chop away at it. Think we all needed to sit down for ten minutes after that.
 
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Joined Sep 27, 2013
Back in the day I was working in a restaurant  where our sous chef was also our pastry chef.One day the head chef sends a newly hired prep cook across the way to another restaurant  so that he can borrow the souffle pump for our pastry chef.I got a good chuckle when they sent him back with a fire extinguiser.
 
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Joined Sep 27, 2013
Hi guys i am looking for 2 chefs to join my team, chefs need to be experienced in cooking Mexican food or a very fast learner, 1 will be lead chef the other an assistant which will depend on your experience etc., all applicants must have food hygiene certificates etc., the area of the job is Runcorn and pay to be negotiated 

please contact simon on 07977719633 immediate start 

or email me at [email protected]
 
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Joined Feb 17, 2010
I have a work visa, When can I start? I can make burritos, chimi changas, gorditas, tacos locos, nachos, enchiritos.

Does everything need to be home made or do we open tins and heat it up?

I suspect that Mexican food found in the UK might be a bit different than what's available in the states.
 
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Joined Jun 14, 2013
 
I have a work visa, When can I start? I can make burritos, chimi changas, gorditas, tacos locos, nachos, enchiritos.

Does everything need to be home made or do we open tins and heat it up?

I suspect that Mexican food found in the UK might be a bit different than what's available in the states.

This is the 'cooking humor' thread------ho ho-----
 
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Joined Oct 3, 2006
So many of these I can't post here as they are really bad...

Worked with a hotel chef that was particular about dishes being more "colorful". Even if a dish was assembled and garnished appropriately (to the rest of us), he still insisted on throwing micro greens, parsley sprigs, pomegrante seeds, etc. just for the sake of making the dishes more colorful while disregarding the flavor profiles of the dish and additional ingredients. The banquet sous chef had about enough of this one day and grabbed a bag of M&M's and started throwing them on the plates to finish. When the plates finally reached the end of the assembly line to chef, his face was blood red and his endless barrage of profanity and threats could be heard throughout the entire hotel (servers from banquet rooms far away claimed to have heard it).

Had a mate that lacerated his finger pretty badly with a mishandled knife. He had several stitches and was out of work for 2 weeks. On his first day back, he was greeted by a plastic lettuce knife sitting on his station

I worked with a few people that routinely drank energy drinks or soda from cans. Take a (cheap) paring knife and poke a little hole on the side of the can that is directly underneath the spout and sit back and watch.

One the cooks I work with has a website for small private catering events that he does on the side. As soon as we caught wind of this, everyone started filling his inbox with bogus inquiries including requests for 1 on 1 naked cooking sessions with the chef.

This same guy has pictures of his work on his website. For some odd reason he has a picture of a salad in a mixing bowl with a whisk in it. When questioned about it, he just gets aggravated and frustrated. It is now proper protocol at our place that if someone is carrying a whisk, they must be asked "What salad are you going to make with that?" ESPECIALLY if he is around.

Banquet chef tells the new and very green storeroom assistant to call up the produce vendor and ask for "dingle berries". He nods his head and runs as fast as he can. He comes back up and says "The produce vendor wants to know if we want them fresh or dried?"

Argue with someone and convince them that it is impossible to break an egg in one hand. Even put on a dramatic show to prove "your side" of the argument. Then sit back and watch.
 
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Joined Jul 17, 2012
Another great one is if you have a FNG prepped who is having trouble with onions - crying, burning etc. Let them know that a thick smear of mayo under the eyes and nose will stop the tears. It's amazing watching them cover their face in mayo and crying the whole time.
 
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