Just for laughs...

136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
It is my firm belief that we should all have a good laugh, at least once a day.

So here's a couple beauties to start off with...feel free to add!!

*********

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

*******
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
The difference between men and women
NAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt ...................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ...............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store .......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia .....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white ..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother ..........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco ...........................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle ...............................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ...........................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin .............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ......Winnie BayGogh
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
And here's my all time favorite...:D

*********

English Phrase Chinese Translation

"Are you harboring a fugitive?" Hu Yu Hai Ding?

"See me A.S.A.P." Kum Hia Nao

"Stupid Man" Dum Gai

"Small Horse" Tai Ni Po Ni

"Did you go to the beach?" Wai Yu So Tan?

"I bumped into a coffee table." Ai Bang Mai Ni

"I think you need a facelift." Chin Tu Fat

"It's very dark in here." Wai So Dim?

"Has your flight been delayed?" Hao Long Wei Ting?

"That was an unauthorized execution." Lin Ching

"I thought you were on a diet." Wai Yu Mun Ching?

"This is a tow away zone." No Pah King

"Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?" Wai Yu Sing Dum
Song?

"You are not very bright." Yu So Dum

"I got this for free." Ai No Pei

"I am not guilty." Wai Hang Mi?

"Please, stay a while longer." Wai Go Nao?

"Our meeting was scheduled for next week." Wai Yu Kum Nao

"They have arrived." Hia Dei Kum

"Stay out of sight." Lei Lo

"He's cleaning his automobile." Wa Shing Ka

"Your body odor is offensive." Yu stin ki pu
 
136
10
Joined Jan 9, 2002
Here's a laugh for today-

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Sure," his young son answered."We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the
little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
Subject: A Warning for Women

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not.

It's happening every day. You too may have been a victim.

Read on.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and Woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly,if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these?

What happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I
Became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached, it was at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity.

NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs . . . and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night.

Warn your friends!!!!!!!



 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
Hey I didn't make these up! Actually, most were sent to me through email. You know how people love to send those things along. :) I frequent another discussion board where someone had the great idea to share all the jokes in one spot- and everyone would post funny stories as they thought of them, or received them, or whatever. I figured the idea would work well here.

And so saying- here is one from the Reader's Digest-

Having encouraged her class of 11-year olds to use descriptive language in the story she had just asked them to write, my wife was disappointed when one boy used the adjective big to describe a castle. She asked the boy to be a bit more creative and told him to rewrite the sentence.

Minutes later he was back at her desk. This time the sentence read, "I went into the castle, which was big, and when I say big, I mean big." --contributed by Matthew Dickens

LOL!!
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
:D

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note...romantic, but
not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and
bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along
with this note:


My Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I
hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
Martha Stewart's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

MY Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

MY Way:
Buy Hungry Jack Mash Potato Mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

MY Way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers or need for Tupperware.

Martha's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

MY Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.

MY Way:
If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too bad.

Martha's Way:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh; but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

MY Way:
Eat, cook or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's Way:
To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

MY Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because your eyes burn!!!

Martha's Way:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

MY Way:
What leftover wine?

Martha's Way:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub
potato on the stains and rinse with water.

MY Way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's Way:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

MY Way:
Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Martha's Way:
Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: To clean a toilet, drop two tablets in, wait 20 min, brush and flush. To remove a stain from a vase or glass cruet, fill with water and drop in 2 tablets. To polish jewelry, drop two Alka-Seltzer tabs into a glass of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. To clean thermos bottle, fill with water and drop in 4 tabs and let sit for an hour or more (if necessary).

MY Way:
Put your jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet. Add a bottle of Alka-Seltzer tabs and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE (Author Unknown)

1.. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2.. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3.. The problem: how to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: eat it in the parking lot.

4.. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5.. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6.. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

7.. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of
the chocolate to protect themselves.

8.. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

9.. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

10.. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

11.. Question- Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Answer- Because no one wants to quit.

12.. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

13.. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do
today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
 
251
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Joined Nov 10, 2001
Roon,thanks for giving me one heck of a laugh!!
I have been seriously busy at work lately and found your interpretations absolutely hilarious. I`m not kidding either!
Keep them coming!!!!

Leo R.


:chef:
 
136
10
Joined Jan 9, 2002
Thanks! Although I would love to, I cannot take credit for any of these jokes. I didn't make any of them up- they were either sent to me through email or I found them in other places. I will always give proper credit if at all possible. :)

***********
A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at
least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.
Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed
that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied: "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

**********

NEWS ALERT!!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for religious any constitutional reasons.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital.
There was no problem, however, finding enough
asses to fill the stable.

~Azarie
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
Come on, guys! I know I'm not the only one who gets these funny things! Share, share! :)

**********
The guide to sex in marriage.
0-5 years: tri-weekly
5-15 years: try weekly
15+ years: try weakly



Hehehehe.
 
136
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Joined Jan 9, 2002
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods..DUH!!!

On a Sear's hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(****, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well.duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(And you thought????.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On a can of Peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh. fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
 
28
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Joined Jan 4, 2002
HERE IS A LAUGH FOR TO DAY....... WOMEN ARE SO RESOURCEFUL…..

A huricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, and coconut juice and longed for his old and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day,As he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous women he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her:” Where did you come from? How did you get here?” “I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said .” I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he said. “I didn t know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat washed up with you.” “It s only me,” she said,”and the rowboat didn t wash up: nothing did”. He was confused.”Then how did you get the rowboat?” Oh, simple replied the woman.” I made the rowboat out of materials that i found on the island. The oars wre whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.””b.b.b But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man.”You had no tools or hardware.How did you manage?” ”Oh , that was no problem,” replied the woman. On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed . I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that ,”she said.”where do you live?” Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time”Well, let’s row over to my place, then”, she said.After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at small wharf .As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisiste bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the housed, she said casually, ”it’s not much, but I call it home.Sit down , please; would you like a drink?” "No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. ”I can’t take any more cocunut juice.” ”It s not cocunut juice, the woman replied.”I have still. How about A Pina Coalda? ”Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted and they at down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced “I’m going to slip into something comfortable.would like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end inside a swivel mechanism.”This woman is amazing” he mused.”What’s next? ” When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-startegically positioned-and smeliing faintly of gardenias.She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.’Tell me,” she began suggestively,slithering closer to him, ”We’ve been out here for a very long time.You’ve been lonely.Theres’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months.You know......” she stared into his eyes.He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ” you mean-----? ”he replied, ”I can check my e-mail from here?”:cry: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
 
28
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Joined Jan 4, 2002
HERE IS AN OTHER ONE FOR TO-DAY

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the cousin of a goat
MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a Piano
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ Floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You d be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider s home
And a Virus was a flu
I guess I LL stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!!!!!


:cry: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
 
1,310
15
Joined Dec 4, 2001
Five year old Katie asks to her mother one day, "Where did I come from?"
Mom has ben dreading this question for five years but, she is prepared. She takes a breath and launches into her well rehearsed Birds and Bees speech.
Katie listens intently and when her mother is done says, "I just wondered because my friend Suzie says she came from London!"

Jock
 
136
10
Joined Jan 9, 2002
Here's a good one- unfortunately, it's all too true, most of the time anyway.

*********

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 

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