Just for fun: When did you guys get married

Discussion in 'The Late Night Cafe (off-topic)' started by april02, Jan 7, 2002.

  1. april02

    april02

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    ---Ok, so maybe this isn't just for fun... but for those of you who know me don't get worried. I AM NOT planning on getting married. (seventeen is much too young) However my boyfriend is one of those hopeless romantics and since we're in love and we've been together for over two years he thinks we're destined to be together. I try to steer conversation away from the M word. He doesn't understand that I don't want to think about anything that far in the future yet that isn't my education. I try to make him understand that its ok for us to just live in the moment. I try to tell him how much time we have before we have to think about these things but I honsetly think he thinks I'm trying to break up with him... So back to the original question... how old were you when you got married. And, more so, how do I communicate my need to be young to my boyfriend without hurting his fragile male ego... thanks --april--
     
  2. chrose

    chrose

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    Smack him around a little. At that age few people have had enough experiences to allow reasonable judgement, not to mention teen male hormones. As long as they are raging there can be no real discussions. I think we all go through that phase. It's hard to imagine a future without that special person at that age. The only thing you can do is be strong and unwavering in your convictions and be nice. He will just have to deal with the fact that you are number one. Until such time as you have satisfied your own needs, you won't be able to devote the time and energy it takes to tend to the needs of another person and a relationship. A tree doesn't grow in a week just because you planted a seed. It takes time. Let the seed do it's thing and when it's ready it will grow.
    I was 34 when I got married, my wife was a very mature younger woman (not that young.
     
  3. cape chef

    cape chef

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    Ok Chrose!

    You beat me to the punch :)

    Dear April, A man goes through life with a number of insecurities, Least of witch is how he is with a woman. I kind of feel silly with this thread, But I admire your maturity and your youthfulness.

    I million years ago when i was 17, I used to think that I better wrap things up when It came to girls, Because I was afraid of compatition from others guys with someone I liked. I can count on one hand the girls that "really" meant something to me, As I look back and look to wear I am now, I am so happy I was told to go to the showers...A mans ego is a crazy thing....But, a fine man will understand his time and his place. If I was 17 and got married I would surely be a statistic because i did not fullfill my real life expereances,So...With a loveing smile as you hold his hand and look him in the eye, Just be honest, Tell him you both are not ready, But you want to enjoy time together..Blaw,blaw ,blaw
    BTW.....I was just short of my 26th birthday when i wed my bride
     
  4. mezzaluna

    mezzaluna

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    I was three weeks short of 40, and my husband was almost 39. I wasn't good marriage material until I was in my early 30s. It took that long to figure things out and feel happy about myself. I work with adolescents and believe me, that stage lasts until about 21 for many people. Of course, for some it never ends! ;) Adolecents are too young, as you are wise enough to understand, April.
     
  5. momoreg

    momoreg

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    I agree with everyone here... Marriage wasn't worth considering until I was in my 30s. At that point, I finally had a clue of what I really wanted to get out of my career and personal life, and was able to find a man that fit into that picture. I was married at 33, and my husband was 29.
     
  6. kylew

    kylew

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    I'm of the opinion that 42 is too young to get married, at least it is for me :) I agree with what 007 said. If your boyfriend asks you to make sacrifices at such a young age, you will both live to regret it. There is one of those dreadful Hallmark cards/posters that says something to the effect that if you love something set it free. If it was meant to be, it will return to you. Hokey but true. If he asks you to forsake/diminish your dreams now, they are likely to resurface later and you will resent him for having made the sacrifice.
     
  7. risa

    risa

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    Oh Mr. Bond, you have made me a little sad this morning. Your dove quote is one that my ex-boyfriend and I had discussed when we were first falling in love with each other. We both believed it then, but when it came to actually following that little piece of wisdom, we couldn't do it. We both hung on to each other for too long until we both felt trapped and couldn't breathe. I needed to let him fly on his own so that he would not be so dependent on me and would not take me for granted. He needed to set me free to establish my own career and find that perfect balance of career and home. Unfortunately, we both waited too long and there's nowhere to return for either of us. Lost love... always so sad even when you're currently in a good place in your life.
     
  8. athenaeus

    athenaeus

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    April.

    I hope that you will give yourself the chance to study and travel, even just for once out of the States, before getting married. You don't need money to do so, you can work while travelling, you speak an international language anyway. How can you live with someone for ever(...) if you haven't lived alone first?
    Marriage is something that you will have to do anyway if you want to be an active member in the society , why to hurry ??
    I got married when I was 30 and my husband is much older ( it's his second marriage) and now that I am thinking of it maybe it was early, if you consider that I didn't even think of having a boyfriend when I was 17...You have one since 15, I hope you have girlfriends or shooll mates that you do with them stupid things :)
    Bond's message is very wise and very honest.

    PS Post the recipe of the dessert you made!!!!!Start posting recipes ;)
     
  9. plum

    plum

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    I was 28 and my husband was 25. I was sure he was the right one for a long time before he could feel comfortable with the idea of being 'a married person'. I was at a different kind of stage in my life. I'd already done the things I wanted to do before I got married, whereas he hadn't. I didn't pressurise him and was just patient, and in the end he wanted to get married too. Make sure there are no other reasons why he feels insecure about the relationship and just keep loving him. Ultimately you just have to listen to both of your true feelings and be super-honest with yourselves and each other.

    Education changes people's outlook and ambitions. Being young when you get married isn't necessarily a bad thing but you two will both change a lot in the next few years. As long as you keep communicating really honestly with each other, and treating each other with love and respect, you'll have a good chance of changing together and reaching a stage when you both want to marry.

    Good luck.
     
  10. fodigger

    fodigger

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    I was married at 25. And while there have been times I have felt that was too young I made the right decision for me and couldn't be happier
     
  11. jock

    jock

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    Dear April,
    I have read a few of your posts and I am mightily impressed with such a mature head on such young shoulders.
    I married when I was 19 and my wife was 17. After 6 years we became a statistic. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me at that age. We made the mistake, you shouldn't. You obviously have a very level head and as others have advised you here, you must not be persuaded to do something you know is wrong. I don't know you but I can feel that you will do what is right for you both.
    I was talking to my 14 year old daughter recently about high school, education and the future. I told her that the "future" is a concept that she at her age cannot grasp. It really doesn't mean anything to a 14 year old. And it occurred to me that most folks don't even begin to grasp the concept until at least their mid to late 20s. That's the earliest I think people should be talking about marriage.
    I remarried at 34 and it will be 19 years in March.

    Good Luck with your future.

    Jock
     
  12. anneke

    anneke

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    I'm with Fodigger on this one. Twenty five I was, and I sometimes think I might have been too young. But I have never had any doubts or regrets about whom I married, and several years later, alll is still well. We were together for seven years before we married. In a way you could say we 'grew up' together and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to mature into adulthood with the one you truly love. I was lucky in that he was the right one. That's sadly not the case for everyone.

    As for us, we did not mention the "M" word for several years after our first date. Nevertheless, we both had this notion that you shouldn't be with someone you don't see yourself married to in the long run, and we both had our share or relationships that didn't survive because of that philosophy. I guess that just depends on how you feel about relationships.

    As for you April, sounds to me you know exactly what you want but your boyfriend doesn't want to hear it. Could it be that he's fallen head over heels for you? In which case, maybe being truthful about how you see your future, though painful, will help him in the long run. Could it be that he's just being possessive? I've known many boys that age in my time who mistook possessiveness for comittment. I'm so sorry to be blunt like this April, I don't know either of you well enough to be dispensing advice. All I can say is keep an open mind. When we are young it is sometimes difficult to interpret our feelings. Be strong and brave and follow your heart. I have no doubt you'll make the right choices because from what I read you have a good head on your shoulders. ;)
     
  13. suzanne

    suzanne

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    Dear April,

    Supposedly girls mature faster than boys. Sounds like you are a little further along the evolutionary scale than your bf -- but you're BOTH so young with so much more to see and do and learn. Que sera' sera' or not

    It is possible that the 2 of you could join together now and stay together forever. But it would work ONLY IF you both keep on growing
    and learning about everything there is to learn about, each on his own
    and learning about everything together
    and teaching each other what you each have learned
    and listening to each other
    and telling each other to shut up (but not in a hurtful way)
    and respecting each other as people
    and respecting each other's need to be alone some part of the time
    and talking to each other about everything under the sun (and beyond the sun!)
    and not talking when you don't want to (but understanding that it's okay for both of you to do it)
    and being silly together
    and being serious together
    and being together when you need to
    and being apart when you need to
    ...
    and a whole lot of other stuff that I don't know yet!

    And even then, there's no guarantee.

    I met the man who is my husband when we were both 22 and he came to work in the same office where I had been since college graduation. (We both had gone to college away from home and lived on our own and worked away from campus during those years.) We started dating a year later (23). We "got physical" (I'm not sure how to put it here) two years after that (25); moved in together (unmarried, which gave our parents much pain) within a month after that; went on a 6-week trip to Europe a few weeks after that; moved several hundred miles to a new city a couple of weeks after returning -- he had a job waiting for him there (still 25). I got a job; he lost his; but we stayed for 2 more years (27). Then he got a job in a different city and moved there; I stayed by myself since I had gotten promoted to where I was running my project. I quit and joined him after we had been apart about 10 months (and the project was fully operational)(28). We stayed there a little over 2 more years (31) until we decided we really wanted to return to the city we were originally from. So I got a job and moved back here, and he stayed behind for 4 months before getting a job here and joining me (32). It took another 5 years until we decided we were serious enough about each other to get married (37, and we'd been living together for 12 years). That was 16-and-a-half years ago. We have been through several physical moves, many different jobs, and quite a few personal and professional upheavals over the total of 31 years we've known each other and almost 29 together. We have, and have not, done everything on that list I started out with, whether we were conscious of it or not. We're the same people we were back when we met, and we're totally different. Things change. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose. Again, que sera' sera'.

    I hope all this yapping helps.
     
  14. shimmer

    shimmer

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    My husband is a year younger than me. I am almost 24, and we've been married almost 2 years.

    I was never going to get married until I was 30, and actually broke up with my now-husband because I thought things were moving too quickly. I took a trip to Scotland and figured something out. This might help you April, this might not.

    I've heard so many people say to live your life before you get married, but I've never understood that. I mean, what happens once you get married, do you live in a hole?

    For me, I knew at 22 that I had a lot of growth to do. A lot. I feel like I grow every day. My life also changes really fast, but my husband and I finally realized that we wanted to grow together to work through things together, because we saw a lot of strength and beauty in that.

    I do not regret marrying young for an instant. But I had to come to this conclusion, that he was the person I did want to share these things with, he couldn't have convinced me of it (and believe me, he did try) until I knew it myself.

    If you're feeling trapped, it isn't right for you. There is no magical time or age or formula when all of the sudden marriage works. Everyone is completely different, and you must find what makes you happy.

    ~~Shimmer~~
     
  15. culinarian247

    culinarian247

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    Don't get married, yet. 2 many problems are amplified by youth.
     
  16. roon

    roon

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    Gosh I feel young!

    I married my husband at 19. He had just turned 22. We had known each other for about two years at that point.

    I would have said that we were too young, except for two things-

    one is that he was (and still is) my absolute best friend. Marrying him was the best thing I ever did.

    two- we both went through **** before we ever got married. We went through **** from others, and even put ourselves through the worst time we could imagine (not intentionally, I assure you!) After it was over, we still loved each other- and figured if we still wanted to be with each other after what we'd gone through, nothing we'd have to go through in married life could split us apart.

    you've got the right idea- if you don't feel ready, then you're not. If you do feel ready, well, it never hurts to back off a little anyway to make sure. :)

    (We're five and a half years and still truckin'...)
     
  17. chiffonade

    chiffonade

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    First time, it was a mismatch. My friends were married, and I forced myself to see things in the relationship that weren't there. Big ceremony, beautiful dress...one child - divorced 2.5 years later. We're still friends.

    Second time, I married someone on the advice of others regardless of the fact that I knew better. The ceremony itself was like an out of body experience. I could swear I was floating above it saying, "Look, look, here's the part where she says 'I do' and guarantees her future...bankruptcy and sexual frustration." It was a mistake and I knew better.

    Glad to say that the third time has been the charm. I met my husband in a chatroom in Yahoo. It was March 13, 1998. It was the most connected I ever felt to another adult human being. On September 13, 1998, I moved from NYC to SW CO with 2 cats and a 9 y/o in tow. We didn't get married right away but by that time, I really didn't need the document to tell me I was about the most married I had ever been. We finally tied the knot on June 2, 2001.
     
  18. lotuscakestudio

    lotuscakestudio

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    There was a thread on another message board about what is a good age to get married at. This is what I wrote:

    I know of a lot of people who got married young and are doing great. I knew Vampgyrl from high school and she got married when she was about 19 and she and her husband are still married [note: this person is almost 28 now]. I forget her name, but I met a girl on this board who got married when she was 15 and she has been married for 10 or 11 years [note: they got married because they were in love, not because she was pregnant or anything]. My friend Vrinda got married when she was 18 and she and her husband are doing swell, and same goes for my friend Teresa who also got married at 18. I could go on all night about successful marriages of couples who married young. Not to say it's for everyone, but it can and has worked out just fine.

    I don't agree with ilfaith. Living on your own doesn't make someone any more "ready" for married. I have a lot of friends from my temple who come from strict Indian families and don't move out of the house until they get married. Even the few I know who moved out-of-state for college, it was never very far from home and their parents completed supported them (rent, food, tuition, etc.) Comparing them with my friends who did move out own their own, overall, I think the former did much better jobs taking care of themselves when they got married.

    And I don't see what dating preferences has to do with anything. Dating someone who grew up in an entirely different world? Generally speaking, people don't care to date people from "a different world". We usually date people who we have a few things in common with. I can't say I dated anyone who was terribly different from me and it didn't affect my readiness for marriage. On a side note, neither did I have to rack up a black book filled with boyfriends to be ready for marriage either.

    Same goes for traveling outside of the country. What does travel have to do with marriage? There are millions of people in the world who have never left their humble town or village and have lasting happy marriages.

    Out of all the happy and successful marriages I have seen, regardless of what age the couples got married at, there's a running theme... all the couples have mutual goals (they agree on what type of lifestyle they will live, financial goals, number of children, etc. etc. etc. ); they share similar interests and beliefs; they can communicate; they are realistic about expectations; they are accepting of each other; they respect each other; they can compromise. Of course to know all of this, you need to be in touch with who you are first. But that doesn't mean you have to know yourself in every nook and cranny. Personal growth still goes on well after you're married. Some evolution will be purely your own set of beliefs; some will be b/c you and your spouse evolved together. And for any couple (newly weds or old timers), loving support from friends and family for when rough times come help out a lot.

    Delaina, from the sounds of your posts, it doesn't seem that your feelings on the relationship are certain. If you and your boyfriend are in love and get along well already, I'm sure talking to him about what his plans for the future are (and all the stuff I mentioned up there^) will help you figure things out a lot better. Also a time line of when he wants to do all those things to see if it syncs up with what your plans are. Good luck with everything!

    --------------------------------------

    As for me, I met my husband when I was almost 20. It was a month before my 20th birthday. We got married when I was 23; he was 24. If it wasn't for the health problems I was having, we would have gotten married when I was 21 or 22. To a lot of people, I was "too young", but I think everyone has different goals and dreams in life. I was meant to be married. People even tell me married life suits me well and that I look better since I've been married. (One outspoken friend who's native language isn't English told me, "You used to be ugly, but then you got married and now you're so beautiful." Um, thanks, I think? LOL). Anyhow, we've grown together and are on the same wave length on all the important issues and even the smaller issues such as what type of furniture to buy. There is mutual respect and we communicate very well. We both already knew what we wanted out of life before we got married. While we haven't stuck to the plan exactly, we left room for improv and just roll with the unexpected changes that life brings.

    Anyhow, to answer April's question I would need more information. Is it more than him being a hopeless romantic? Maybe he is just being possessive? Or he's insecure? Or maybe April just has all the qualities he is looking for in a life partner and wants to make sure the good one doesn't get away?
     
  19. pastachef

    pastachef

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    April, I got married the first time at 16, had my first of four children at 20, and was widowed at 43. My husband was only 48 when he died of lung cancer. I have been married for the second time for 11 years. I wouldn't advise anyone to get married as young as I did because life is a lot more difficult today than it was then. Back then, most women married an ran a household, and helped their families to accomplish their dreams. Today, you have to have an education before you can have anything else. And you have to have a back-up plan. Education is such a priviledge, as well as a necessity. ;)
     
  20. jill reichow

    jill reichow

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    My husband and I were both 22 when we got married. Had dated two years and engaged two years. He was commissioned as a 2 LT. in the AF and we left for a 20 year traveling stint after that. It forced both of us to mature quickly. although there are things that I regret not doing due to the moves and the military lifestyle, it was the right decision FOR US. Everyone has their own time table. I have a 24 yr old and a 21 yr old, both boys, and neither one of them are ready for that type of committment. As my youngest said b4 he broke up with his GF. I love her, mom, but i'm not IN LOVE with her. there is a difference and you are wise to wonder and wait.

    Hang in there, you have a good head on your shoulders and if you are doubting this relationship, there is a valid reason.