Funniest Kitchen Story

Joined Jul 16, 2003
I know I know, you have probably done this before, but recently I was asked to pen my funniest kitchen story and I enjoyed it so much I thought others might like to share their stories.

Heres mine

Larder chef places a pot of sugar on the stove top and heads off over the road to the butcher! She must have gotten into some conversation over there because she didn’t come back in time to save the caramel. Enter the head chef owner AKA the beast. “What’s black and sits on my stove top”! Immediately I avert my eyes and pretend I was never born. Cursing the beast heads for a bowl of hot water from the tap. Unfortunately the day before the hot water temperature was turned up. The beast finds this out just as he reaches the pot and a little of the water touches his fingers. Ahh #!$$*! Having burnt his fingers on the water the beasts body jerks and a little of the water falls into the stinking hot caramel… causing … a jet of steam to shoot up and scold his other hand… tipping the other side of the bowl … as more water splashes into the burnt sugar… a nasty chain reaction occurs… J!#^*! CH+!?*! … Another shoot of stinking hot steam with bits of caramel hits the first hand… he pulls away…and the bowl tumbles down his front with the rest of the water burning his unmentionables… holy m*!?*! of #!! At this stage being the only witness on the scene I was trying not to let my face contort with hysterical laughter and as a result I was half bent over holding my mouth. Laughter is contagious and the beast declared “well you wouldn’t read about it” (censored version) and burst out laughing.
* No one was permanently damaged during the events of this story.
Joined Nov 20, 2000
I may have posted this before, what do I know? I have no memory! Anyhoo...first internship out of school still only first year, got another to go.
The Cambodian Sous Chef.."Leng" with the thick! accent tells me I am going to make staff lunch (major, big hotel) I say okay what are we making? We are roasting whole chickens and serving them with "dipping" sauce. I think cool, I love oriental dipping sauces. I'm thinking soy sauce and chilis and vinegar, poon sauce etc. I go to the task of breaking down the chickens for the next 90 minutes. I have a pinched nerve in my elbow that flares up to this day from that experience, but I also learned a way to break down a whole chicken in about 90 seconds!
So I roast the birds and remove them from the oven onto the cooling racks. Okay Leng...what next? Clean up and then we'll make the "dipping" sauce. I proceed to clean up, sheet pans to the dishwasher etc. Okay Leng, now what. Now we make the "dipping" sauce. Where are the sheet pans? (imagine a thick oriental voice) They're at the dishwasher. What%#[email protected]&# how are we going to make "dipping" sauce? Ummm I don't know Soy Sauce? What kind of dipping sauce are you talking about?
(Very excitedly and animated) Dipping sauce, dipping sauce! Youknow from the "dippings"!!!:mad:
You mean.......Dripping sauce from the "drippings":eek:
Yes!!!! ^$% $#$# Well why the **** didn't you say that?!? (whoops) There were still a few sheet pans that hadn't been done by that time so we were able to make some but Leng hated me from there on. The Chef didn't start to hate me until I spent an hour forcing 50# of Top through the backwards grinder plate:confused: ( don't hand me that you've all done it once!):D
That internship ended sooon after that. I did go on to eventually know what I was doing....but to this day I still think of Leng and his "dipping" sauce:chef:
Joined Feb 21, 2001
Worked in a place where the putout kitchen was on the second floor and the prep kitchen in the cellar. We going through the heavy cream for the carbonara and yelling on the intercom to Man Kim Wu, our loyal and dependable jack of all trades from Hong Kong, "Heavy cream, we need heavy cream!" Minutes go by, and the chef finally sends me downstairs. Man Kim Wu is wearing a Colombian raincoat, mopping the floor, the place is spotless. I hollered, where's the heavy cream? and grabbed it out of the walkin. His comment..."I think under table money man come.." He used to do the early dinners by himself and we caught him once using shaved raw broccoli instead of chopped parsley. He rubbed it between his fingers and smiled and said, Same the chopped parsley.
Joined Mar 8, 2004
I was starting a new job as a breakfast cook at a hotel. It was my first day and I didn't even know where the kitchen was. So at 5:00 a.m. I walked into the hotel and went up to the front desk and asked to see the executive chef. I could hear some weird beeping noise comming from behind the front desk. At that moment I see the executive chef running down the hall towards me. "Dude hurry up and follow me to the kitchen" he said excitedly. So we rushed back to the kitchen to see the worst mess I have ever seen in my entire life. They had three fryers and one of them they never used, it was usually covered with a sheet pan and used as a little table to rest the bakets on. Well that day there was supposed to be a large breakfast party and also seminar with one of the local food proveyors in which they need some equipment to cook off the product samples they were showing. So the "brilliant" executive chef decided to use the third fryer. That fryer was not under the exhaust hood because they never used it. Instead it happened to be right under one of the sprinklers in the ceiling. The sprinkler was going off right into the fryer. Grease and water everywhere. I immediately grabbed the sheet pan and covered the fryer back up to prevent more grease from spilling on the floor. Then the executive chef went over to a pot of something that was boiling over on the stove. He hoisted off the stove slipped on some grease and dropped the pot at his feet. Now he had to leave and get the second degree burns on his leg checked out, and now I'm hear by myself cleaning up a huge mess in a kitchen that I've never been in before. Finally the sous chef showed up after he got a call saying the executive chef had to leave to go to the hospital, the fire dpt came to shut off the spinkler, and eventually we got the mess cleaned up. Nobody expected me to show up for work the next day or ever again for that matter. I've been there five years now. That executive chef was fired "good riddens" a couple years ago, the sous chef became executive chef and now I am the sous chef. I have plenty of other funny stories about that executive chef. To this day I still don't know how anyone could have given him that position in the first place.
Joined Mar 8, 2004
Here's another good one. It happened just two weeks ago. I have a line cook that works for me. He's a 50 something gay man who's favorite pass time is complaining. Every thing is the end of the world to him. He can't handle pressure at all and the minute we get busy he just flips. Constant swearing every time an order comes in, God forbid a server makes a mistake, "Am I the only one that does any work around here" when ever something is not stocked on the line. I think you get the picture, I'm sure everyone has worked with someone like this. His permanent expression is this :mad:. Well here comes the funny story. A couple of saturdays ago we had three parties going out into the ballrooms, so the executive chef and myself were pretty busy which meant he was on his own for working the line for the restaurant. The restaurant was getting some steady business, but not enough for me to call it busy, but to him he was slammed. Finally he hollared out, "As soon as someone gets a chance, I'm gonna need some help." At that time we were just starting to plate the third party, and it was the smaller of the three, so I excused myself from the plate-up line to go give him a hand. I got up to the line and saw he had about six tickets hanging. I asked where he's at. He said, "I'm plating this one now, this one, this one, and this one are working and I haven't even started theese two, AND we have a PROBLEM." Thinking he was just over reacting I simply smirked and said, " What's that." He looked at me and said, "I farted and I think I crapped my pants 20 min. ago!" Trying my hardest not to laugh I took a second look at the tickets and said, "I can handel this by myself so if you need to go to the bathroom go feel free." His reply was, " Well if I did the damage is already done, so I might as well stay until the food is out." So I put the food out as fast as I could. So as I was putting the last plate in the window he was taking off his apron to go to the men's room. On his way out I said, "If it's any consilation, you don't stink." So after he left I could finally let out my laughter. About ten minutes later he comes back, walks over and grabs a zip lock bag, takes his underwear out of his back pocket and shoves it in the baggy, and puts it in his backpack. I looked at him and said, "I woulda just thrown them away." He said, "Well they're not that bad and I don't throw underwear away.... And now that I just pulled my dirty underwear out of my back pocket I'm going out back for a smoke before I wash up and get back to work." I just looked at him crazy and said ok. As soon as that back door closed every one was catching on to what was going on and the entire kitchen burst out in laughter. The poop jokes have been flying ever since.
Joined Mar 8, 2004
I'm glad you guys liked my story. It's childish but poop is funny. I just wanted to point out some things that you might have missed that make it even funnier if you think about it. First of all he said "WE have a problem." Well unless he was wearing my underwear, there is no we, it's his problem. If he was wearing my underwear we'd have a problem if he crapped in them or not. Second of all he said it was 20 min. ago. I'm sorry, if it were me, I don't care how busy it was, someone is going to have to watch the line the second it happened. Odviously preserving them in a zip lock bag is beyond hillarious. I also made it a point before I left for the night to put a pretty picture in the heads of the other cooks working with him that he was now going commando, so every time he walked by them they got mental pictures. Two days later I told the dishwasher that was working that night, who was oblivious to what was happening, what happened. He said, "Aw man, I gave him a ride home that night. Now I gotta check the seat of my car." I don't think he's getting any more rides.

Well I've got a million more stories, I work with a bunch of characters. From "Special" dishwashers to crackheads I've worked with them all. I'll try to put up as many as possible as I remember them and when I have the time.
Joined Dec 12, 2000
How do I start ??, reading these stories reminds of alot of things that have gone on at work over the years. Like the time when I was just a new prep cook, I worked an evening shift that lead into graveyards, and the graveyard cooks would inevitably keep me until the end of their shift. This one guy was like 400 hundred pounds and had a severe bad temper, anyway his trick was waiting until I was finished the prep for the night, then he would go for a 4 hour smoke break and "let" me handle the line, and when I would send the dishwasher to find him, the message always came back, that I was doing a good enough job and he had faith in me. He eventually lost his job. I also worked with a guy who enjoyed inflicting pain on the waitstaff, and letting the kitchen know that it was his way or the highway, I had like 5 years senority on him too. The thing is, if the servers got on his nerves, the plates went into the salamander prior to the orders being plated, then of course the food went into the pass, stainless steel counter top below heat lamps, so those plates were smokin'. then he didn't let the servers know. He only did that until one night I was working with him, and I told him I wouldn't take the fall for something that cruel, as soon as he knew he wasn't taking me down with him, he stopped.
I could go on and on about weird or off the wall stuff that happened but it would take a long time. so I just leave with these couple of stories.
Joined Mar 8, 2004
Here's another story involving that same crabby line cook. One night while he was cooking on the line, a server came back with a filet and said, "The woman said that her steak is over done." He gruffed and said,"I hate it when people don't know what they are ordering." He then proceeded to argue with the server for five minutes that it was a perfect medium. Hearing the comotion I went up to the line to see what the problem was. He showed me the steak, and I will admit it was a perfect medium. I simply looked at him and said, "You're right it is medium. Just remake it and this time make it medium rare." By the look on his face I could tell that he did not like my answer. I went back to checking the produce to see what I needed to order for the next day. I come out of the cooler about 10 min later and he was still parading the filet around to everyone with utter disbelief that it was sent back. I went over to the line and saw that he still hadn't started to remake the filet. "Why haven't you remade that steak yet? Just put one out medium rare." He walks over a slaps a filet down on the broiler while grumbling under his breath. Finally he puts it up in the window and as the server takes it out to the dinning room he hollars, "And if that fat cow sends it back again, I'll go out there and beat the crap out of her." Well that night the executive chef was in the restaurant having dinner because we were testing the servers so see what they needed training on. He did not appreciate having his wife called a fat cow. It turns out that the whole problem was the servers mistake, he rang it in wrong, but the line cook was still in alot of hot water for taking 45 min to remake a medium rare filet.
Joined Jun 18, 2003
Ok, here's my funny kitchen story- except it wasnt funny at the time.
We were working at a hebrew school, preparing breakfast and dinner for
graduation, Cooking for 400 is a kitchen with one range (like in your house)
and the kitchen was about 10ft by 12 ft. There is three of us there, trying
our best to get done and outta there, Mind you, the kitchen is in the gym.
there is gym class going on at this time. So I excuse myself and find the
nearest bathroom. It's a one person potty, so I lock the door and go about
my business. I washed my hands and head out the door. Except, it's locked!!
No it's stuck! So Im cracking up (that overtired, you know youre close to
losing it laugh) Im going through my pockets, I have a pager and a lighter.
no, no mcguyver stuff. So Im banging on the door, everytime I bang the
airfreshner quirts cherry essence out. so Im banging, laughing and choking.
The walls are cement, Im cherry ephyxiated. and thinking of all the stuff
I could be getting done! Im trying to write on paper towel "help me"
with liquid soap, but it keeps puddling. So I sit on the floor and laugh
some more! I get up and bang and yell, finally a little girl comes to the door
and says "are you stuck?" I tell her to get the janitor. so by now, my
staff is at the door laughing their butts off. Im yelling that its not funny!
and then the janitor thinks Im a child stuck and tells me to turn the lock.
I cuss him out and tell him I tried that, and he says "Youre not a kid"
In which I reply, "But you still have to get me out!!!"
So the whole weekend I was made fun of- like I wanted to be stuck in a
bathroom for an hour! :p
Joined Jul 12, 2004
:cool: Premise: I work at one of the 4* French restaurants in Chicago and we're a traditional French molded kitchen; lots of yelling and humiliation. If we make a mistake we are demoted off line instantly and usually are not allowed to cook the rest of the evening. The chef de cuisine, a teddy bear compared to the chef, uses the term "idiot" in a mock of our system. We go through externs like truffles. So one extern, dubbed Shrek, is still adjusting coming out of school. Shrek still maintains his culinary prowess and knowledge. He is a little mouthy much to his demise. One typical night after an evening of belittlement, the cdc called out "Idiot" (directed towards a dishwasher) and sure enough Shrek finally barked out loudly, "Yes chef?"
Joined Apr 28, 2003
It was production day thrusday and my team was assigned to make eclairs. We made both puffs and portfolios (sp?) but some of puffs turned out quite weird, looked like 2 had stuck together even though each piping of the choux paste was evenly spaced. One of our team members (the sick horny one) decided to pipe whipped cream into 1 of the portfolios (sp?) and 1 of the odd shapped puffs, stick to 2 together to resemble a p3n15 :eek:
He then takes it over to another team, gives it to a girl, were she proceeds to bite into it with an "explosive" effect :D

After class that day, I ran to the bar for a tall drink and a real good laugh ;)

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