Cooking and relationships

444
10
Joined Jun 9, 2001
Dear All,

I am feeling very depressed right now and I am not sure who to turn to so I decided to write a post about it and maybe get some opinions and comfort from other people.

I graduated from the CIA in New York about 3 months ago and started this wonderful job as executive chef of a country club in oregon. My finacee (audrey) is still in NY studing at the CIA to be a pastry chef. We went through a lot of pain trying to figuar out where I should go. Take a cooks job on the east or a chefs job on the west. We decided that i would come out to the west and save money to get married and start a life for us. So I came all the way out here to do so.

The other night, we talked and she cheated on me and wanted to end our relationship. I had no clue why and she said that it is becasue I wasent in NY with her. I told her that I am here to save for our future. She only looks at the small picture and not the big picture. she couldnt see that i am here for us. I am so sad and angry becasue i feel that i came out here for nothing.

So now i am here and I do not know anyone in this town and to be frank, I am good with people but i do not know hwere to find people to meet. Last night, two of my waitresses and i went to see a movie and then later that night, two of my pm cooks and I went to the bar. It was a lot of fun but i am still plagued on hwere to meet people.

i know this business is hard and that something will suffer. I once heard Thomas Kellar say that either you be a successful chef which will casue sacrafice usually in your personal life or you be an ok chef and have a family. I want both. I want to be the best culinarian I can but also have a family. i feel that half of it is torn away from me. i know there are a lot of sacrafices being in this business but i guess i am going through a real hard time right now.
 
1,586
11
Joined Jan 5, 2001
Isaac,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've done everything right. You are ambitious, devoted to excellence and you did what you had to in order to prepare for your marriage. Sounds like the ideal man to me.

I'm deeply sorry that things did not work out for you. The old "distance" explanation is often a symptom for deeper problems that might have surfaced later on when it would be too late. I don't want to tell you that this is all for the best; it's not what you need to hear right now...

We're here for you Isaac. In time your wounds will heal and you will come out of this stronger than ever. Try not to let this chapter of your life embitter you. You are talented and bright and you are a man of principle. Keep your head up and keep doing what you do best. People are attracted to that. Eventually you'll find that all the right people will want to find you, both friends and more-than-friends.

It sounds like you have a great job. Enjoy it for what it is, and don't make any rash decisions about it. Focus on you right now. Be the best chef you can be. Spend some time with your family this holiday season. They are the anchor in your life so don't be affraid to lean on them if you need to.

My thoughts are with you Isaac. Best wishes..
 
3,853
12
Joined May 26, 2001
Isaac -- Just to let you know, I have moved this thread from Cooking because I think you have raised an issue that is very important to everyone. And I want everyone -- not just those who have cooking questions -- to be able to help you. As Anneke said, we are here for you.

Try to get a good night's sleep and we'll talk more tomorrow (it's bedtime for me here on the East Coast ;) ). And take care of yourself in the meantime.
 
444
10
Joined Jun 9, 2001
Today was better then yesterday. I still had urges to call her and all those other feelings.....sad, depressed, angry.

I talked with her today and I tol her that I didnt want to burn any bridges with her but tol her that we couldnt be friends. I really do not think I could handle it. All of those emotions would just arise again when we talked and I do not think it is fair to me. I need to watch out for myself and I think by not being friends, it will help me in the long run.

I hope this was the right dessicion. I hope tomarrow will be better then today and so on.
 
799
12
Joined Feb 21, 2001
Partings are a piece of the picture in life and relationships. It's happened to all of us, at every stage of life, young, old, first love, long marriage, college girlfriend, first live-in partner, you name it. Acknowledge the sadness, and keep living. You will survive and prosper, and love again, maybe many times. She has apparently chosen a path away from you, but it doesn't lessen you as a person. You have just crossed the threshold of adult life and already have much you have accomplished, school, a grown-up job, the nuts to relocate yourself like that across the country. You will be sad and this will hurt, but, I promise you, the pain will fade. If it didn't, none of us could go on. And always remember, good things come to those who hustle while they wait. Hone your craft, be a good boss, provide for those who eat your food. Know that you have the strength to go on, it's in you, just tap into it, when you can and how you can, it doesn't matter. There is no right or wrong. Take pride in knowing that you can love and chant this like a mantra, Baby, I can stand to go, if you can stand to see me leave. Drop us a line, when you need to talk.....
 
2,518
33
Joined Nov 20, 2000
Issac, I feel for ya! Been there and done that! When I went to NECI my fiance decided that we were done. I went there to ostensibly better my life so we would have a good future. She ended up marrying the guy who wrote my recommendation letter! Go figure. It took me a while to get over because that's the kind of guy I am, but as everyone says life does go on and sooner or later you will find someone who will make you happy. I did and now I am happily married to a wonderful woman with a fantastic kid. Would that have been if things had worked out? Who knows, who cares at this point, but things are great.
So bite the bullet, be unhappy, grieve as you need to but don't get consumed by it. Use this opportunity to do whatever it is you want. Go to Hawaii and work, do what I did and go to Alaska, go to Europe or even stay there and enjoy the great Oregon coast. Take the chance and be free and enjoy. There will be plenty of time to share your life with someone and when it's right for both of you, it will work! Best of luck and don't let it ruin your holidays, it could be a lot worse!
 
53
10
Joined Sep 19, 2003
Brother Isaac, Welcome to the club(s)! Pleae allow me to give you the benefit of my long and historied experience with the fairer sex.
1. If a woman wants to leave, SHE WILL. You can't stop her. Trying to hold on will make her want to go even more.
2. If a woman wants to cheat on you, SHE WILL. Time, determination and opportunity are all on her side.
3. A woman can, may, and will, change her mind at any time for any reason of HER choosing.
4. You will meet more women(or people in general) when you stop trying to meet them. Relax, be yourself, and THEY will meet you.
5. Without pain, there can be no pleasure. You have to have a down, if you expect to find an up.
6. In general, women only need men to kill spiders and provide them with a warm spot to put their icy feet at night. Learn to accept your fate and you will be a happier person.
Besides, if you needed a spouse to do your job, CIA would have put one in your Knife Roll. Good luck!
:rolleyes: ;)
 
444
10
Joined Jun 9, 2001
Well, Yesterday was better. I fought the craving to call her and productivity at work was up, which was good. I went out with my pm cooks and there wives. The got hammered and I realized that I NEVER want to hang out with people who are sooo drunk. never ever again.

I got home at 3am which was 6am audrey's time so i called her. bad me! I hope it is getting better.
 
1,586
11
Joined Jan 5, 2001
Thank you for saying that! I thought I was the only one.... I'm convinced it's unhealthy to spend so much time with your co-workers. I say diversify your pool of friends. Frankly I don't need to hear industry people bitching; I'd rather hear the rants of other industries and people who have different lives than mine...

Glad you're feeling better.

;)
 
5,192
296
Joined Jul 28, 2001
Hey partner. look for a friend, not a girlfriend or fiancee. Who knows, someday you might work together and be with each other 24-7.
On your next day of, drive out to the local childrens hospital. Sign yourself up for one hour a month as a partner. It will put all this stuff in perspective.
 
444
10
Joined Jun 9, 2001
Well...its been about a week since she broke up with me. I still fight some of the urges to call her but I think it will change soon. I talked with her this morning and she wanted her flight info so she should get her money back. I guess i just misplaced it :). guess that is $450 down the drain for her. i know this is not the right thing to do but heck... it makes me feel better.

on another note... my sour starters are turning out so well.
 
3,853
12
Joined May 26, 2001
No, actually, that's the same note. :mad: Revenge may feel good now, but it's the same as badmouthing a colleague: it can come back and bite you in the *****. When she graduates and starts out in the industry, she'll be able to exact HER revenge by telling people that you are untrustworthy with money. Do you want that on the horizon? At least tell her the basics, so she can figure it out for herself.

But wait -- how did she not know the information in the first place? You made travel arrangements, she paid, but she doesn't know what she paid for? Is this what your whole relationship was like: you being the big strong one, and she the dependent waif? Oh, no, not a good basis at all for a lasting relationship. Did you enjoy that (think deeply now)? Sure, it made you feel like the big man, but don't you think that eventually you would feel it more as a burden? I won't ask why it was that kind of relationship, but I'll just bet it was, whether you both recognized it or not.
 
444
10
Joined Jun 9, 2001
Suzanne,

When I first read your note.... I wasent sure what to think but then after a few minutes, I admit, you are right. She is young and inexperianced and I am older with a little more experiance. There were a lot of firsts for her. She was the shy type so yes, I guess you could say that I did a lot for her. Is this what I want in a relationship? When I think about it, no. I would like someone my age or a little older who can think for themselves and carry themselves yet knows when spending time together counts.

I must say, your email was food for thought!
 
11
10
Joined Dec 19, 2003
In my years of experience with cooking, I've found a strange conundrum: no one outside the industry really understands what you're going through when you get off work and you're completely strung out on the stress and madness of working the way that we do, but at the same time, the people who work with you and understand what you're going through are the least compatible people in the world to have a real relationship with because their psychoses are the same as yours; in other words, there is no crazy compatibility factor. All jobs are stressful, all jobs suck to some extent, but it seems to me that the most destructive relationships I've ever witnessed are the incestuous back-of-house on back-fo-house ones -- your life becomes your work becomes your life, and there's no getting away from it. A healthy relationship is built on common ground, surely, but it's also contingent on a certain degree of dissimilarity - you have to have something to talk about besides work, you know?? Plus, the insanity that our industry fosters is no basis for any sort of healthy relationship. I've basically started subscribing to a personal rule that I don't date inside the industry. I've had too many bad relationships with people I work with, and I've ****ed up a few jobs because I thought it was more important to have a buddy than to have a career. You learn, sometimes the hard way.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune, because it rings all-too-true to my own experiences. Here's hoping you meet a nice journalist or hotel manager or lawyer or some such. It's too easy to date inside the business. Look elsewhere!!
 
444
10
Joined Jun 9, 2001
Katie:

There was a lot of things that rang true in your post. Do you date within the industry do to the fact that you asume they will understand your scheduel ettc or do you date outside of the industry and run the risk that they will not understand the time restraints at work? Its hards to figuar out. For the longest time, I thought too that I wouldnt date within the industry but then I fell in "love" with her and she was studing to be a pastry chef. I for sure thought she would understand the time restraints since this is in the business. Heck... I do. Guess I was wrong.

So, I do agree that dating within the industry might not be the best thing. However, that begs the question....where does one meet other people? Bar? Heck, I do not know and since work requires a lot of hours, it is somewhat diffacult.
 

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