Chili story

Discussion in 'The Late Night Cafe (off-topic)' started by maryb, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. maryb


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    Semi pro/retired now
    Found this on another forum:

    I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise.

    You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity
    of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili. Tasty
    stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
    guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks
    WILL fall off.
    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
    coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's
    Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
    intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
    symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come,
    yet not sure of just when, I
    bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and
    lunch tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
    selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
    It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
    that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
    that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

    The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the
    night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
    their way through the intestines, and before I could take one step in the
    direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
    Those peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking
    aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
    noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
    afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
    body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
    woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
    would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as
    she walked, unsuspecting, into it.

    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's
    what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
    could've warned that poor woman but didn't... I simply watched as she walked
    into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
    that all she could do before gathering her senses and
    running, was to stand
    there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
    off angry bees... This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
    laugh...... MISTAKE!
    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
    if you know what I mean.. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
    forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
    later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
    robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'IT' was coming, and I raced off
    through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
    praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place..
    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
    inevitable 'Why Did I Eat That?' floating above the
    toilet seat because my
    *** is burning SO BAD, purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
    meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
    '[email protected]!t%h! ', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
    intending to carry on with shopping when a store employee approached me and
    said, 'Sir, we're asking all shoppers to step outside for a few minutes.
    It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
    is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
    take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing
    residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
    pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
    manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later
    with the
    manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
    too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
    but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

    The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that
    because we are in court over the whole matter. [email protected]$tards claim they're going
    to have to repaint the store.
  2. katbalou


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    Professional Chef