# Is my thinking not straight?



## headless chicken (Apr 28, 2003)

My god sister (god mother's daughter) had spent a number of years in Europe were she had started a serious relationship with a chef but the 2 never worked it out for the same reasons states. Her story got me thinking.

Since I took on the pursuit into the food service industry, I've considered the fact that I would be working long hours on a weird schedule. I came to the conclusion that if I was to start a relationship of any kind, it would have to be with someone working in the same industry. I use Wolfgang Puk as an example, married with children but now divorced. He remarried with a woman who is also his business partner. I don't know many women who are willing to put up with boyfriends who has to work long hours, isn't available for occasions, or is unable to take holidays. 

I bring this up now after I've noticed my relationship record. Out of say 7 girls I've asked out during the past 3 years, I've only had 2 say yes and it was a very casual type date between friends. I don't dare want to start a relationship with someone if they can't handle a boyfriend working the long hours, I couldn't live with myself knowing my career choice hurt someone I have feelings for. But some of my co-workers, who is aware of my feelings towards someone, have stated that my thinking if very selfish. 

I'm really conflicting if my thinking is correct or incorrect. Am I selfish? Am I cautious? or just plain out of my mind?


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## anneke (Jan 5, 2001)

I pick c). 

You can't use statistics when it comes to love. When you find the right person, you'll make it work. I think you might be overthinking this. You're not selfish, just overly analytical. You don't know that Puck's marriage failed because of his job. He lives in the land of the six month marriage after all, and Hollywood is tough on any couple. As for other chefs, there are personality factors that are more prevalent than the schedule factor than contribute to the detorioration of a relationship. I think chefs develop a thicker skin than most, something they sometimes carry into their marriage and make them seem like they are made of teflon and don't care enough. That said, I know lots of chefs who have been successfully married for decades to the same person, many of which lurk these boards. So if I were you, I'd worry about the things you have control over, like yourself, your own character, your maturity level, open-mindedness. Forget about circumstances and picking just the right person. You'll know when she comes along.


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## yaten (Jul 22, 2004)

I agree with Anneke that if you find the right person, you'll make it work, and I too know some chefs, where love has prevailed, and they have stayed with their spouse.

Unfortunately though, some statistics do stand out, and it *is* a statistical fact that, in America, chefs, and people in the culinary arts profession in general, actually *DO* have the highest divorce rate. Due to lack of time off, usually having to work oh holidays, and the odd hours of work... It's understandable that if you find that special someone that you think it will work out with... It's best to sit them down and make absolutely sure they understand all of the Pros as well as the Cons that they will experience due to your profession.

Hopefully though, love will prevail in the end. ^_^ Don't give up, and I'm sure everyone will find their special someone.


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## lins (Apr 24, 2004)

If you meet the right person then as long as they are aware of the hours and commitment you have to your job the choice is theirs and the right person will respect your choice.
It's not about how much time you spend together is what you do with the time that counts. 
To be a chef can be lonely at times, and if you avoid having relationships then life could be very lonely indeed.
After all " It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"


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## headless chicken (Apr 28, 2003)

Over Analytica...wow, I've never been considered that before  

Perhaps I am overthinking this but its hard for me to not think it or avoid the big C word (commitment). Of my 9 cousins, I'm the only boy who bears the family's last name so my father's family places great emphasis on me to get married on top of building a successful career. I'm thinking this now because on top of the # of that dreaded question "Do you have a girlfriend yet" have steadily increased over the past year, I've also noticed that "Hey, I'm going 22 and havn't been on many dates (3 to be exact) wtf is going on with me?" I don't know, maybe its just a phase, not the first time!


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## suzanne (May 26, 2001)

Dearest Chickie,

You're barely 22? Oh, man, you've got years and years ahead of you! Don't let people (relatives) pressure you or try to make you feel guilty. And don't try to force the issue yourself. Don't feel you have to "commit" before you even get to know someone. After all, you NEVER can completely know another person. For me, the main thing is learning together and keeping open to each other and to new experiences.

When the right person comes along, you may not even realize it! That's what happened with me and mine. We were 22 at the time we met, and working in the same office. But it took us 3 years to grow together enough to realize what was there -- during which time we each dated a few other people -- and we've kept on growing together for 30 years now.   

As for the "working in the same industry" thing -- well, it worked for me (although at the time I was not working in foodservice, and he never has), and I know a lot of couples who work in the same industry. But I also know a lot who don't. That's not nearly as important as what other folks here have said about making the most of the time you do have together. And making sure that you always are there for each other.

Unless you're a total loser -- which I cannot believe, judging by the way you present yourself here -- you'll find the right person eventually. Just relax and listen to your own heart and brain.

PS: anyone who loves a comic strip like the one you linked to is all right in my book! Too bad I could be your mother.


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## pete (Oct 7, 2001)

I have had many relationships since I have been in this career. Some with people in the service industry and some not. Most of my relationships ended, not because of my schedule, etc., but usually because I was a dumbass!!  and did something or other to screw it up. I have found, however, that did was easier dating someone in the food or hotel industry, not only because they understood the type of schedule I had, but also since they had the same messed up schedule, they were more available to go out when I was able to. Never had to worry that I couldn't take Friday or Saturday off, to spend with them, since they were working also. And dates, they happened anytime-Monday mornings, Wednesday nights at 2am, whenever our schedules would allow. That being said, I have also had a number of long term relationships with people outside the business, and we always found ways to make it work.


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## nick.shu (Jul 18, 2000)

muwahaha - im married. im also 35.

on the serious side, the chinese side of the family are asking me to have kids.
as well as that, (given that im only working approx 33-35hr a week) my wife is telling me she's spending way too much time with me.

? - im a chef. 33-35 hr a week is a godsend (IMHO) and im going to enjoy it whilst it lasts.

but anyway, if you meet the right person, its never going to be a problem. also dont write yourself back because of someone elses mistake. you are not the chef in question, and each person is an individual. errors others make can serve as a lesson to you, but in the long run, dont really apply to you, because their choices may not be the choices you make.

i know the cliche that "you will know when the right person comes along" sounds pretty sad, but there is a good reason for it being a cliche.

:some practical advice: dont let it consume you. the best you can do is to warn the person at the time and let things take their course. if you shoot yourself in the foot, you cant chase very fast.

think it over.


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