# Funny phrases



## nicko

I thought this was a pretty funny twist on an old phrase:

*"Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you critisize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."*

Anyone else have any others?


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## jim berman

[No message]


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## regularjoe

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.


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## regularjoe

Remember, you are unique, just like everybody else.

What is the secret to success? Good decisions. How do you learn to make good decisions? Experience. How do you get experience? Bad decisions.

I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific.


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## cape chef

"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
- Hubert Humphrey.


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## cape chef

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming like his passengers


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## cape chef

One good turn gets most of the blankets.


A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.


If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!


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## regularjoe

My contribution to productivity at my job is to refrain from giving my co-workers the severe beatings they so richly deserve.

When composing an e-mail message to your boss from home late at night, be sure to take inventory of the empty beer cans around you before you press 'send'.

Two Rules For Success:
1) Never tell people everything you know.


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## mezzaluna

It is better to ask forgiveness than beg permission.


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## momoreg

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Prove and you provolone.


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## phatch

That's a bear you'll have to cross. 

Which with the simple reversal of two words mixes the original metaphor, mixes two metaphors, and creates a new one more frightening than the previous ones.

I just don't need any bears mad at me.

Phil


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## coolj

Support your right to keep and arm bears.

These premises are protected by a pitbull who has aids


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## regularjoe

Useful at work:

1. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
3. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
5. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
6. How about never? Is never good for you ?
7. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
8. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
9. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
10. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
11. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
12. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
13. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.


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## pete

I love animals.....They taste Great!!!!!


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## coolj

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right

Then of course there's the one on this shirt I got as a gift at the staff christmas party. 
FBI : female body inspector


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## chrose

Never fret your gizzard over things uncontrollable, for a fretted gizzard soon discombobulates"

If you can't beat 'em.....let me beat 'em.


Make love not war....unless you love to kill.


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## coolj

That's just like, "guns don't kill people, I kill people" (courtesy of happy gilmore)


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## chrose

I wish I could say that I said those but they actually came form a song called "Whatever happened to the chainsaw juggler" by The Four Postmen!


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## chefboy2160

A good mngmt. quote for ourselves is .........
"Why do what you should do today if you can get away with doing it tomarrow"

West vs. East in problem solving ............

Western mngmnt " who can we blame and punish for this problem"
Easterm mngmt "managers , this is the problem and how do we fix it so it happens no more?"


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## regularjoe

The three sentences that will get you through life:

1- Cover for me.
2- Oh, good idea, Boss !
3- It was like that when I got here.


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## ritafajita

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot"

I don't know who said it.

RF


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## regularjoe

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.


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## chiffonade

My mother used a gem this weekend that I think I'll test-drive next time the opportunity arises...

She stumbled on something she was trying to say, then said, *"My tongue got in the way of my eye teeth and I couldn't see what I was saying."*


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## peachcreek

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think".
Dorothy Parker.


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## regularjoe

Which reminds me of the oldie;

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.


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## headless chicken

Take it easy...and if shes easy, take her twice.

If its not broken, don't fix it. Just smash it then claim it broken.

S-H-I-T...Super High Intensity Training
D-E-L-T-A (as in Delta airlines) Dosn't Ever Leave The Airport or Don't Expect Lugage To Arrice


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