# Jokes



## 112inky

Hi friends.. Lets tart the lighter side of life... i invite everyone to post the known jokes over here for a healthy laugh....


----------



## anotherposter

Whoops..no jokes yet!

I came here hoping that I would find some cool jokes to laugh upon...

Well well...let's wait and watch...


----------



## happyfood

Only slightly food related joke-

What was the last thing said at The Last Supper?












Anyone who wants to be in the picture must sit on THIS side of the table!


----------



## deltadoc

A man, laying in his hospital bed, accidentally soiled his sheets.

He heard the nurse coming down the hallway, and not wanting to be embarrassed, he grabbed up the sheets and tossed them out the nearest window.

Just about then, a drunk was walking by, and the soiled sheets landed right on top of him. He flayed and frayed about, all tangled up in the sheets.

As it happened, a cop noticed the commotion and came over and said "What's going on here?"

The drunk promptly replied "I'm not sure Ossifer, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

doc


----------



## deltadoc

In a private girl's school in Washington, the girls, ages about 12-14, were just starting to try lipstick. So they'd gather in the restroom, trying out their lipstick and then planting little lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror.

The custodian had to clean the mirror every night, and despite warnings from the principal, the lipstick kisses continued.

Finally, the principal called all the girl's and the custodian together in the restroom and said, "This has got to stop! Just so you can see how much work you're creating, I'm going to have the custodian show you how hard it is to clean this mirror every night!"

While the little princesses watched on, the custodian dipped his mop into the toilet basin and started to swab the mirror clean.

No more kiss marks showed up again after that!

doc


----------



## just jim

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't 
want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of 
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The
apples at the top think something is wrong with themselves,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine. 

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap
out of them until they turn unto something acceptable to
have dinner with...


----------



## shipscook

well, deltadoc, them are gooduns--
and Jim stole mine--just got that the other day and I been looking for a few grapes, hehe
however, hope this don't get bleeped

two old dudes are talking, one said "I understand moose have sex 12 to 14 times a day", his friend repled " ****, I just joined the VFW".

I am a card carrying Moose memeber and a VFW supporter- but **** this is funny?

next,
Nan


----------



## kyheirloomer

So, an orthodox rabbi walks into a gastropub in Manhatten with a duck on his shoulder.

"Wow," exclaims the barkeep. "Where'd you get that?"

"Brooklyn," says the duck. "They're everywhere!"


----------



## oregonyeti

Heaven or ****.....

Warren Zevon died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on 
which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens 
and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, Jerry Garcia, John Lennon, 
Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite 
instrument and begins tuning up. He walks up to Jimi and says, 
"Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" 

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the 
drums, and says, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four .. "


----------



## chrose

An old Jewish man was gravely ill and resting at home. His grandchildren came to see him.

Grandson Ben said, “Hello, Zadie can I do something for you?”

“Yes,” said Zadie. “Go tell Bubbie I would like some of her delicious rugelach that she is making.”

Ben went to the kitchen and told Bubbie, who replied, “Go tell Zadie he can't have any rugelach.”

Ben went back in and reported what she had said.

“You tell Bubbie I want the rugelach. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference.”

Ben went and told Bubbie, who said, “Go tell Zadie he can't have any. The rugelach is for the Shiva.”

(Shiva is the seven-day period of mourning following a funeral)


----------



## deltadoc

Why did the Jewish hijacker change his mind?






He didn't want to use up his free miles!

doc


----------



## oregonyeti

Yew have yust received da Sven & Ole Computer Virus.
Because ve don't know how ta program computers, dis virus verks on da honor
system. Please delete all da files on yewr hard drive manually and forward
dis message to everyvon on yewr mailing list.
Tank yew fer yewr cooperation.
Sven and Ole


----------



## epi

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks pastand looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a fewjoints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going toget a drink from the river.The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into theriver.A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a jointwith the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the riverwhile taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!" the Monkey looks down and says
"F**k dude. . .. . how much water did you drink?!!":smoking:


----------



## oregonyeti

^ :lol::crazy:


----------



## justpj

A new Publix supermarket opened. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

:lol:


----------



## anotherposter

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"


----------



## just jim

Two blondes were walking along and came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde said "those are deer tracks".
The second blonde said "no...those are bear tracks".


And then the train hit them.


----------



## epi

Sexual Harassment 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at 
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her 
hair smells nice. 

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint 
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to 
write a sexual harassment grievance against him. 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair 
smells nice?" 

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."


----------



## american_suisse

Just came back from the doctor's office where I was told I have water on the brain. Great. Now, everytime the temp drops below freezing, it'll freeze and everything will will slip my mind! :lol:


----------



## bazza

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians yesterday...








Everyone!


----------



## oregonyeti

Brave Blind Man

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" 

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## american_suisse

My oldest son sent me an email with this joke attached:

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries,
one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then
he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to
ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for
them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old
gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going
to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."


----------



## bughut

how many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb

answer...One

Why just one?


'COS IT JUST FU**ING DOES ...RIGHT!!!


----------



## kyheirloomer

Just heard this one, attributed to Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife is such a bad cook that the flies took up a collection to buy a screen door. 

And just for Bughut:

How many real men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None!
Real men aren't afraid of the dark.


----------



## deltadoc

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi used to hang out together. They eventually decided they should all buy a car together to ride in.

The minister blessed the car. The priest sprinkled the new car with holy water. But the rabbi was hard pressed what contribution he could make.

He suddenly ran into the house and returned with a hacksaw and cut 2" off the tailpipe.

doc


----------



## peachcreek

A man decides to enter a silent order of monks. The Abbott tells the man that the monks are only allowed to speak once a decade. The man agrees. So 10 years go bye and they ask the man if he has anything to say and he says "My bed is as hard as a rock!" Another 10 years go by and again they ask the man if he has anything to say and he says "the porridge tastes like glue!' And so another 10 years goes bye and again they ask the man if he has anything to say and he says "I've decided to leave the order." The Abbott looks at him and says "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is complain".


----------



## petalsandcoco

*Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,* *doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and* *Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they* *were walking past the hospital swimming pool*, *Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.**
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.* *

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom* *and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware* *of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged* *from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good* *news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,* *since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.. I have concluded* *that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his* *bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. * *
How soon can I go home?'*


----------



## deltadoc

Wilmer and Mildred went to the state fair. Wilmer says, "Mildred, lets go for a helicopter ride. Its only $50 and we've come here 20 years in a row and you never allow us to take a helicopter ride. For all I know this may be the last year we can attend the fair".

Mildred replies "I told you 20 years in a row, No, Wilmer. $50 is $50."

SO the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation and approached them saying "I overheard you two and I tell you what. I will take you up in the helicopter for free on the condition that no matter what, neither of you says a word".

So Wilmer and Mildred thought it over and agreed. The helicopter pilot took them up for the ride of their lives. He performed every trick and helicopter antic that he could, but not a word was uttered. Finally, frustrated, he lands the helicopter and turns to Wilmer and says "I got to give you credit. Most people would have at least screamed at some of those maneurers I performed, but you never said a word. I'm very impressed."

To which Wilmer says "Well I almost said something when Mildred fell out of the helicopter, but then I thought $50 is $50!"

doc


----------



## oregonyeti

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"


----------



## epi

:lol::lol:

@topic

*DUMB BROTHER

*Tessa was injured in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. After six months she woke up and found that she was no longer pregnant. Naturally, she asked the doctor to tell her what happened to her baby.
The doctor replied, "Well, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
Tessa became anxious as she didn't think her brother was very smart.
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "So what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor. Tessa began to feel a little guilty about how she thought about her brother.
"Not bad," she said. "I like the name Denise."
She then asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."


----------



## kyheirloomer

> Italian Confession
> 
> 
> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
> 
> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful
> Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the *****. So I hid her in my attic.'
> 
> The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
> 
> 'There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week,
> and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
> 
> The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but
> two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry
> for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
> 
> 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
> 
> 'And what is that?' asked the priest.
> 
> 'Should I tell her the war is over ?''


----------



## peachcreek

Mr. and Mrs Potato Head were crossing a street when a car comes careening around the corner, hitting poor Mr. Potato Head and severely injuring him. Soon the EMT's and ambulance arrive and take him to the ER. Mrs Potato Head, waits hours for some word of her husbands' condition, when finally the doctor appears. "Mrs. Potato Head, you husband was badly hurt. We did all we could, but I have some good news and some bad news". The doctor goes on "On the good side your husband did survive the accident. The bad news is he will be a vegetable the rest of his life".


----------



## kyheirloomer

So, what do you get if you cross PMS with GPS?

A screaming witch who *WILL *find you.


----------



## peachcreek

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed together. The egg turns over and starts falling asleep. The chicken, in a short tone says "Well.... I guess that answers THAT question".


----------



## petalsandcoco

sorry...I know....its bad....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.


----------



## crazybuoy

Adopted Turtle Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


----------



## catering101

*The Smart Monkey*

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Session data


----------



## leeniek

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


----------



## gunnar

D'oh! that's just mean...ok funny and mean...


----------



## teamfat

*Three Wishes*

Three of the servers save up their tips to take a nice vacation on a cruise ship. A lovely time at first, but a tropical storm comes up and the ship is damaged and starts to sink. They manage to get in a lifeboat together and end up washing ashore on a small island. While walking along the beach to scout out the place, kicking the sand in frustration, they unearth an old, battered, oil lamp.

"Just like in the fairy tales" one says, as she gives it a quick rub. Sure enough, a cloud of smoke and there before them is a genie. "I have only 3 wishes to grant, young ladies. So, you will each get one."

He turns to the brunette. "And what do you desire, my dear?" She says "I wish I was back at home in Utah with my baby and my cats." POOF and she's gone.

The genie turns to the redhead. "And for you, my lovely?" With no hesitation she responds "I wish I was back at the restaurant with my friends and favorite customers." POOF and she's gone.

Finally, it is the blonde's turn. "You have the honor of the third and final wish. What do you desire?" She hems and haws a bit, scratches her head, perplexed as to what to choose. "Gee, this is difficult. I wish my friends were still here to help me decide."

POOF


----------



## cookpiper

This is the perfect thread to have some good laugh so i wanna share this joke I got in my email.

The Texan and the Irishman

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American 
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up 
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. 
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', 
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


----------



## janeclark78

_*I always thought of Mr.Bean when it comes to hearty laughs. I watched an episode on TV. He was buying some things at a grocery store and has everything in his inner jacket pockets. He's got some fresh fish, potato and others. /img/vbsmilies/smilies/rollsmile.gifHe wants to buy a frying pan and brought out the fresh fish from his pocket to get the right size of pan. After that he got a peeler from the shelf and brought out his potato to check if the peeler peels well. Mr. Bean really has such crazy ideas and yet he tends to be so serious while doing all these. /img/vbsmilies/smilies/crazy.gif*_


----------



## sharrystew

My hubby was staring at me earlier while i was in front of the stove waiting for the stew to boil. he was wondering why I was smiling and suddenly burst into laughter suddenly. It's all your fault guys; your fault for posting these cool jokes.. Keep posting!


----------



## titomike

....the only downside is you gotta get off to kiss 'em! ....eh?


----------



## titomike

An Irish priest, a Scottish nun and a Rabbi went into a bar and the barman said...

"Is this some kinda joke?"


----------



## kyheirloomer

So, a Russian, a Californian, and a Montanan meet at a club in Las Vegas and hit it off. So they decide to go out in the desert and do some serious drinking.

Once out there the Russian opens a new bottle of top-shelf vodka, takes a pull at it, and tosses the rest into an arroyo. The others look at him. "Plenty wodka in Mother Russia," he says.

The Angeleno pulls the cork from a chardenay, sniffs the bottle, takes a small sip, and tosses the bottle into the arroyo. "Plenty of wine in California," he says.

The Montanan pops the ring on a Coors, chugs it down, turns to the Angeleno and puts a .44 slug right between his eyes, grunting to the Russian: "Plenty of Californians in Montana."


----------



## catering101

*What did the hungry computer eat?*

_Chips, one byte at a time._

*What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?*

_Close the door, I'm dressing!_

*Why did the student eat his homework?*

_The teacher told him it was a piece of cake._

*What did the left eye say to the right eye?*

_Between us, something smells._

Session data


----------



## titomike

catering101 said:


> *What did the hungry computer eat?*
> 
> _Chips, one byte at a time._


Dude....you shouldn't anthropomorphise about computers....they don't like it! /img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif


----------



## oregonyeti

Titomike said:


> Dude....you shouldn't anthropomorphise about computers....they don't like it! /img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif


/img/vbsmilies/smilies/biggrin.gif


----------



## kyheirloomer

_Dude....you shouldn't anthropomorphise about computers....they don't like it! _

With 50 postings, Titomike, this has to be the funniest line in the thread. Thanks.


----------



## titomike

Cheers, KYH ....thanking Catering101 for the assist! /img/vbsmilies/smilies/wink.gif but...

CTtypically I have to disagree as it turns out, according to Wikipaedia, the world's funniest joke has already been posted by Oregan Yeti /img/vbsmilies/smilies/thumb.gif


----------



## kyheirloomer

Well, like smut, funny is in the mind of the beholder. /img/vbsmilies/smilies/crazy.gif


----------



## titomike

KYH ...sorry about the dicking around up there but I just discover anchor tags. /img/vbsmilies/smilies/confused.gif

Look out! I'm gonna start a thread...


----------



## oregonyeti

Titomike said:


> CTtypically I have to disagree as it turns out, according to Wikipaedia, the world's funniest joke has already been posted by Oregan Yeti /img/vbsmilies/smilies/thumb.gif


Yup, that wasn't my own. My own are not as good--here's an example:

A blonde (or insert your preferred category here) goes to the doctor for recurring headaches. He picks up the prescription, gets home and takes a dose right away. He reads the information on the bottle, and then heads over to the babysitter.

He tells the babysitter that he needs to ask her a favor. He needs her to keep his kids there for a week if at all possible.

"Why?" asks the babysitter. "What's going on?"

"I have to take this medication for a week. There's a warning on it that says 'keep away from children'".


----------



## titomike

O.Y. my wife laughed when I said I'm gonna be an internet comedian....she's not laughing now!

....she liked yours though!

btw...that line & the computer one are, of course, not original. Just took the opportunity to 'mask' delivery for a little more impact as ya do... /img/vbsmilies/smilies/blushing.gif .


----------



## bratanston

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"


----------



## titomike

I rang a suppository help-line today.....they were _very _rude!


----------



## sgtgoodie

Look at the picture and think about it for a minute... it's funny!!


----------



## tylerm713

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up enough courage to tell him.


----------



## bughut

Took me ages Sarge. OH had to let me off the hook


----------



## oregonyeti

SgtGoodie said:


> Look at the picture and think about it for a minute... it's funny!!


HAH!!


----------



## petalsandcoco

Quiet day.....so I thought I would share this.....

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'


----------



## achelle

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India ..

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

Cheers...


----------



## durangojo

You know you're old when somebody compliments you on your alligator shoes....and you're barefoot!!!!

joey


----------



## durangojo

sorry... i blame it on mexican wifi!   what's your excuse cheflayne?.......  life's a beach!!!!!!

joey


----------



## cheflayne

> You know you're old when...


you double post /img/vbsmilies/smilies/lol.gif/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bounce.gif/img/vbsmilies/smilies/smiles.gif or when you enjoy using smiley icons! LOL


----------



## cheflayne

> You know you're old when...


you double post





















or when you enjoy using smiley icons! LOL


----------



## cheflayne

> what's your excuse cheflayne?


For what???

Confusion...another sign!!!


----------



## petalsandcoco

Cheflayne.....I just got that ! And I had a slow day.....to much on the brain.

@ ChefEd, I know your at the Outback tonight enjoying yourself, hope the food is good ( I am sure it is) . A friend sent me this video ( I love cats too, in fact the boss has 3 : 2 Maine ***** and one Ragdoll ) but when I saw this video, I thought of you...because dogs are smart to.






I know pepsi made it but I just burst out laughing when I saw this.

And for those of you who think its cute, I'm glad.

Petals.


----------



## rbandu

One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring'a me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch. 
Later I go to eat at a big'a restaurant. The waitress bring'a me spoon and knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on'a the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch. 
So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheets on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheet. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on'a my bed. He say you better not sheet on'a bed, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bitch. 
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italia.


----------



## durangojo

CLEAN UP ON AISLE 12........

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies

'Put them back, we can't afford them', demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'

*He never knew what hit him.*

[hr][/hr]

No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2012.0.1913 / Virus Database: 2437/5079 - Release Date: 06/19/12


----------



## durangojo

i saw this sign in a bathroom a few weeks back....

"practice safe lunch...use condiments!"........................gotta love this world!

joey


----------



## durangojo

.......

joey


----------



## durangojo

god_cooking.jpg




__
durangojo


__
Aug 21, 2012








GOD COOKING....glad to find out he had a sense of humor!


----------



## berndy

Just right out of Genesis in my *B*ible


----------



## chefboy2160

When u think ur having a bad day, just think someone else is gonna have snooki as there mother!!!!!


----------



## chefboy2160

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,
Especially since his name is Steve.


----------



## chefboy2160




----------



## chefboy2160

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'


----------



## chefboy2160

At the Easter morning services the pastor of the Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.


----------



## chefboy2160

the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"


----------



## chefboy2160

The Worlds Thinnest books,

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian


ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

ALL THE WOMEN I NEVER SLEPT WITH
by Bill Clinton

PEOPLE WHO SCARE ME
By Chuck Norris

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book:

MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS
By Barack Obama


----------



## chefboy2160




----------



## chefboy2160




----------



## chefboy2160

May the force be with you..................


----------



## chefboy2160

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during past Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again." (What softball?}

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"


----------



## chefboy2160

y Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
******************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
******************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
******************************
Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Tombstone Inscriptions

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
******************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.


----------



## chefboy2160

Abbot & Costello on Unemployment

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.


----------



## chefboy2160

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people love Jesus.
Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must “really” love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled ‘JESUS CHRIST’ as loud as he could. It was like a football game with shouting, ‘GO, JESUS CHRIST GO!’
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must of been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling about a “Sunny beach”, and saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like, “mother trucker”, or mothers from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.


----------



## chefboy2160

Chocolate Tips

1.If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3.The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5.A good box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6.If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

7.If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

8.Money talks. Chocolate sings.

9.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

10.Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit

11.Write "eat chocolate "at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.


----------



## chefboy2160

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an ahole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

7. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido : All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

The Washington Post also has published this year's winning submissions to another yearly contest, in which readers supply alternate meanings for common words.

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

4. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

5. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

6. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

7. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

8. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

9. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

10. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

11. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms


----------



## chefboy2160

OK Baxter, bring me some Pizza.......................


----------



## chefboy2160

Oxymorons are figures of speech combining contradictory terms.
**Military Intelligence
**Resident alien
**Advanced BASIC
**Genuine imitation
**Same difference
**Almost exactly
**Business ethics
**Twelve-ounce poundcake
**New classic
**Passive aggression
**Sweet sorrow
**"Now, then..."
**Synthetic natural gas
**Peace force
**Temporary tax increase
**Computer security
**Plastic glasses
**Terribly pleased
**Political science
**Definite maybe


----------



## chefboy2160

Little Mary

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" the Nun asked.
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
That's when the Nun fainted...


----------



## chefboy2160

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the frack is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Frack off. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the frack would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No Richard nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fracking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know a$$hole, you fracking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the frack?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fracking does!! What? Are they going to fracking do something that's longer?


----------



## petalsandcoco

Its Monday.....beautiful day.....

Thought I would share this video; the drummer does not seem to like the song that much , I don't know, what do you think ?

*Drummer Steals the Show*


----------



## 808jono202

Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. RAmen.


----------



## ordo

petalsandcoco said:


> Its Monday.....beautiful day.....
> 
> Thought I would share this video; the drummer does not seem to like the song that much , I don't know, what do you think ?
> 
> *Drummer Steals the Show*


This one is worst:


----------



## oregonyeti

petalsandcoco said:


> Its Monday.....beautiful day.....
> 
> Thought I would share this video; the drummer does not seem to like the song that much , I don't know, what do you think ?
> 
> *Drummer Steals the Show*


HAH, that guy seemed really bored and could have done more!


----------



## oregonyeti

ordo said:


> This one is worst:


I love it!! /img/vbsmilies/smilies/lol.gif


----------



## 808jono202

petalsandcoco said:


> Its Monday.....beautiful day.....
> 
> Thought I would share this video; the drummer does not seem to like the song that much , I don't know, what do you think ?
> 
> *Drummer Steals the Show*





ordo said:


> This one is worst:





OregonYeti said:


> HAH, that guy seemed really bored and could have done more!


This guy, is at the wrong gig


----------



## snake666

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.


----------



## oregonyeti

snake666 said:


> Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
> 
> I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.


I think it was in the '70s that I heard this the first time. Still a great joke  Then the one about "what's this fly doing in my soup? The backstroke."

I will show my age with another one: "Cannibal cook book: 101 Ways To Serve Your Fellow Man". That is from the '80s, as far as I know. Maybe older than that.


----------



## just jim

OregonYeti said:


> I think it was in the '70s that I heard this the first time. Still a great joke  Then the one about "what's this fly doing in my soup? The backstroke."
> 
> I will show my age with another one: "Cannibal cook book: 101 Ways To Serve Your Fellow Man". That is from the '80s, as far as I know. Maybe older than that.


New Chinese cookbook: 100 ways to wok your dog


----------



## akwauche

A new teacher was posted to a school,he was a stammerer.His first day in class,he decided to teach the students,Animals that live in water and on land.The first animal he wrote was crocodile.He asked the students to pronounce after him,cro.... coco...coco...cocodile and the students repeated after him,cro...coco...coco...cocodile.He said the they are stupid because they couldn't pronounce correctly.So he decided to write another one.This time he wrote hippopotamus,then he asked them to pronounce after him.He said hip...hip...hip and the students shouted HURRAY...and the class dismissed.


----------



## petalsandcoco

The sign says not to get on the bed. (this is a real water bed)...but who listens to signs today ?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0


----------



## chefboy2160

Here is a new product idea.........

People pay ridiculous amount of money for Caviar, which is simply fish eggs!

Women don't use all of the eggs that their bodies produce.

When a woman dies, I suggest we harvest their eggs and sell them!

I present to you.... Cadaviar!


----------



## chefboy2160

The Pastors family........

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."


Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen".


----------



## durangojo

*HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM*

*1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.*

*2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.*

*3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.*

*4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......*

*Bubba,*

*Me and Frankie Bobby, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.*

*Cooter*


joey


----------



## chefboy2160

Thank god its Friday..............


----------



## winekelly

Q:  What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A:  Anyone can roast beef.


----------



## chef n nod

A Frenchman, German man, Scotsman, Italian man, Brazilian, American, Japanese, Indian, Kenyan, Englishman, Irishman, Chinese man, Welshman, Icelandic man, Australian and a Belgian man walk into a bar. 

The barman says 'Sorry gents, you can't come in here without a Thai'.


----------



## oregonyeti

Chef N Nod, I had to share that on facebook--I have friends from all over the world and that was great


----------



## chef n nod

Thanks OregonYeti, I hoped they liked it too.


----------



## ecce south afri

*On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.*


----------



## bahram mali

I have plenty but i am too lazy to list them


----------



## bahram mali

whoa....hahahaha


----------



## chef n nod

+1


----------



## chef n nod

A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. Just for the heck of it, they rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." 

Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the administrative clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." 

Poof! She's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. 

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


----------



## ordo

Christmas and New Year coming, we need some exercices. Here's a good one:





  








33y757c.jpg




__
ordo


__
Dec 10, 2012


----------



## durangojo

yeah ordo, now that's miy kind of exercise!

joey

A touching story, kind a brings a tear to your eyes , kind of...... can't live with them ,can't live without them.......

This love story might bring a tear to your eye!

A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on his cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


----------



## arugula

What did the banana say to the blender?



Hey man why you shaking, there going to eat me!


----------



## oregonyeti

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.  "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.  The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have gotten out today."


----------



## Iceman

fm130101.gif




__
Iceman


__
Jan 2, 2013


----------



## Iceman

OK. I looked for better than 5-minutes for a place to post this pic. This thread was the best I could come up with.





  








9fyukcmqb8yh.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Oct 31, 2013


----------



## meezenplaz

Haha looks like something straight out of Survival/Camping Techniques 101./img/vbsmilies/smilies/biggrin.gif


----------



## Iceman

f3858c286731933.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Nov 6, 2013











  








883050286731937.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Nov 6, 2013











  








e1c908286731943.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Nov 6, 2013











  








83631e286731946.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Nov 6, 2013











  








42a45a286731949.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Nov 6, 2013











  








63b82d286731955.jpg




__
Iceman


__
Nov 6, 2013


----------



## kaiquekuisine

deltadoc said:


> In a private girl's school in Washington, the girls, ages about 12-14, were just starting to try lipstick. So they'd gather in the restroom, trying out their lipstick and then planting little lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror.
> 
> The custodian had to clean the mirror every night, and despite warnings from the principal, the lipstick kisses continued.
> 
> Finally, the principal called all the girl's and the custodian together in the restroom and said, "This has got to stop! Just so you can see how much work you're creating, I'm going to have the custodian show you how hard it is to clean this mirror every night!"
> 
> While the little princesses watched on, the custodian dipped his mop into the toilet basin and started to swab the mirror clean.
> 
> No more kiss marks showed up again after that!
> 
> doc


This was done in my highschool years ago XD


----------



## cerise

cheeeeeeeeeeee.jpg




__
cerise


__
Mar 27, 2014












  








tuna.jpg




__
cerise


__
Mar 27, 2014


----------



## kaneohegirlinaz

am i stupid.jpg




__
kaneohegirlinaz


__
Apr 18, 2014


----------



## teamfat

An Easter joke for all you Catholics who did well in math.

Jesus: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Peter: Amen!

Jesus: Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

Paul: Amen!

Jesus: y = a(x – h)2 + k

Peter: wtf?
Paul: Don't worry, that's just one of his parabolas.


----------



## lagom

@teamfat. I see what you did there. Parabolas. Ha ha.


----------



## Iceman

*re: post #132*

WOW.


----------



## lagom

Punchline;
Peter, i can see you house from here. 

Add the joke


----------



## oregonyeti

Something about grilled olive oil?


----------



## kaneohegirlinaz

retaining food.jpg




__
kaneohegirlinaz


__
Jun 20, 2014


----------



## dcarch

This one is my original, and food and chefs related:

dcarch





  








BROTH.jpg




__
dcarch


__
Jun 20, 2014


----------



## kaneohegirlinaz

BAHAHAHAHA!!!!


----------



## teamfat

Did anyone at Football Club UK actually LOOK at this picture??





  








fc.jpg




__
teamfat


__
Jun 24, 2014


----------



## dcarch

teamfat said:


> Did anyone at Football Club UK actually LOOK at this picture??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> fc.jpg
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __
> teamfat
> 
> 
> __
> Jun 24, 2014


I think that's just an advertisement for this company:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Connection_(clothing)

dcarch


----------



## kaneohegirlinaz

healthy foods.jpg




__
kaneohegirlinaz


__
Jul 10, 2014


----------



## dcarch

OK, another one from me. Food related.

dcarch




  








turducken_zpsfe14bcc8.jpg




__
dcarch


__
Jul 13, 2014


----------



## chrisbelgium

wortels_kreeft.jpg




__
chrisbelgium


__
Jul 13, 2014











  








wortels_linksdragend.jpg




__
chrisbelgium


__
Jul 13, 2014


----------



## lagom

That 2nd pic looks like a German carrot.


----------



## kaneohegirlinaz

@dcarch that took me a couple of beats ...


----------



## kaneohegirlinaz

towing.jpg




__
kaneohegirlinaz


__
Jan 6, 2015


----------



## ordo

Suspicious ECG:





  








ECGP.jpg




__
ordo


__
Jan 13, 2015


----------



## mikelm

Now _that_ is a spooky cartoon!

Mike /img/vbsmilies/smilies/eek.gif


----------



## Iceman

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "Hell No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and cheerleaders and lingerie models half his age and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and drank whiskey and beer and stayed out all night and never heard bitching at home and never had to pay child support and alimony and kept his house and guns and porn and ate spam and pizza and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as all and he had tons of money in the bank and he could always leave the toilet seat up.

*Happy Valentine's Day!!*


----------



## kitchenanimal

this awesome. i love it


----------



## mckallidon

I think any line cook who tires of hipsters will like this one:

How do you know someone is vegan?

Don't worry, they will tell you.


----------



## aceto

Its no joke, but sitting on both sides of the table is recent. The painting had nothing to do with it.


----------



## wartface

My employees...

The North Dakota Department government suspected a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

Agent... Tell me about your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer... Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Agent... That's the guy I want to talk to! The mentally challenged one!

Farmer.. You are talking to him.


----------



## ordo

A young Chinese couple gets married in Irvine, CA. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss axe.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....'You want: "garlic chicken wif snow peas"?


----------



## sionnac

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One pauses and says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”


----------



## cerise

1460963_480681412050441_1296685365_n.jpg




__
cerise


__
Apr 19, 2015


----------



## lagom

As the father of 4 ive come to despise vegi tales.


----------



## ordo

At dawn the telephone rings,
 
"Hello, Senor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." 
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead". 
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" 
"Si, Senor, that's the one." 
"Dang! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" 
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Roy." 
"Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?" 
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." 
"Dead horse? What dead horse?" 
"The thoroughbred, Senor Roy." 
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?" 
"Yes, Senor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." 
"Are you insane? What water cart?" 
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." 
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" 
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." 
"What the he&$? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" 
"Yes, Senor Roy." 
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" 
"For the funeral, Senor Roy." 
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" 
"Your wife's, Senor Roy.  She showed up very late one night and I thought  she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Ping G30  204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
 
SILENCE...........
 
VERY LONG SILENCE..............
 
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."


----------

