# Food Humour



## coolj (Dec 12, 2000)

I am looking to compile a list of food/cooking jokes and comics, and haven't been able to find much more than the standard fly in the soup type jokes, can anyone help me out, either by sharing a joke or posting a web link ?.
TIA,
Jeff


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Hey CoolJ,

Click here for soup jokes.


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## coolj (Dec 12, 2000)

Thanks Kimmie. Those are really hilarious.


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## monpetitchoux (Apr 24, 2001)

The whole clan out in hillbilly county was excited to receive Bob coming home from the university. He was the first in his whole family to go to college. Everyone came to the gathering where they feasted on barbecue with all the fixings. Right before dessert, a hush came over the crowd as Bob's father got on the hay bale. He turned to Bob and said, "Son, we are all proud of you for studying so hard and making it to the university. We are even prouder of you fro returning home to your roots so that you can serve as a shining example to the rest of the young'uns. Now, because the rest of us couldn't go to college, tell us what was the most important thing you learned in school?"

Bob thought for a little while. Finally, he lifted his head and said, "pi r² (pi r squared)." A small gasp reverberated through the crowd mixed with looks of perplexion. Finally, Bob's mother stepped forward and said, "But son, that's wrong. Everyone knows that pie are round. Cornbread are squared."

That was for the foodie mathematician (any besides me?)


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

You're welcome CoolJ.

and Montpetitchoux,

that's so cute!


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## foodnfoto (Jan 1, 2001)

Okay, I've been holding off until the WV joke.

Why did the Lord make armadillos?
So Texans can have 'possum on the half-shell.

(My apologies to any Texans, but where else do armadillos live?)

How many does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three-one to eat and two to watch for cars.


[ July 06, 2001: Message edited by: foodnfoto ]


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

How do you know if the head chef is a clown? 

When the food tastes funny.


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## pastachef (Nov 19, 1999)

These are so funny! LOL! And that one is cute, Nancya.


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## papa (Oct 5, 2001)

Thank you guys!


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

Tripped over some food funnies for you.

We'll just see if I did the copy and paste right.
http://jokes.ncbuy.com/cgi/subcat.cgi?category=cultfood


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

Maryeo! Good to see you again! The rabbit joke sounds like some of the Belgian jokes I heard in France.


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## pompeyams (Jun 4, 2001)

Doctor i,ve got strawberries growing from my bum dont worry i,ve got some cream for that
British humour hope you enjoyed that been racking my brain for days to think of a food joke


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## coolj (Dec 12, 2000)

Pompeyams, I love British humor. my theatre group actually runs a british pub night every spring, about four or five performances. filled with songs, sketches and jokes.


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Martha Stewart's Social Tips 

GENERAL ETIQUETTE 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 

2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 

3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 

DINING OUT 

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are. 

PERSONAL HYGIENE 

1. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. 


THEATER ETIQUETTE 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Thanks! Here's S'more...


Q.: Why did the melon get married in a church?
A.: She can't elope!!!
 

[ July 19, 2001: Message edited by: Kimmie ]


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## pastachef (Nov 19, 1999)

Great funnies, Kimmie!


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Deep _FOOD_ thoughts

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Is it true that cannibals won`t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?


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## coolj (Dec 12, 2000)

Yay Kimmie !!


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Thanx CoolJ!


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Dear Chef . . .

_I have notice the "funk" in the world has diminished over the last few years? What's up with that?

Groove _

Dear Groove,

The world has to funktify itself soon before "da funk" becomes as dead as disco. We all have to do our part...the easiest way is through funky walkin' and dirty talkin...keep it real!

Yours truly,
Chef

:bounce:


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

*Patron:* Waiter!

*Waiter:* Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

*Patron:* There's a fly in my soup!

*Waiter:* Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

*Patron:* No, it's still there.

*Waiter:* Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

*Patron:* Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

*Waiter:* Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

*Patron:* A SOUP bowl!

*Waiter:* Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

*Patron:* You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

*Waiter:* Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

*Patron:* I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

*Waiter:* Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

*Patron:* You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

*Waiter:* Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

*Patron:* Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

*Waiter:* The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

*Patron:* Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

*Waiter:* Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

*Patron:* This is potato soup.

*Waiter:* Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

*Patron:* Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

*Patron:* Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check: 
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00


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## isa (Apr 4, 2000)

It's nice to see you in such a good mood Kimmie.


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

Oh, that's funny Kimmie!!!


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## chefboy2160 (Oct 13, 2001)

I probably know the first thing we all learned how to cook ,
and thats toilet paper . First you brown it on one side and then you throw it in the pot . Good luck and keep cookin .


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## olive branch (Oct 2, 2001)

Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you! I know we canteloup, but please lettuce be married...


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"


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## foodnfoto (Jan 1, 2001)

Where do canteloupes go for a vacation?

John Cougar's melon camp.


What do you call a steer with no legs?

Ground beef.


What was the last thing said at the Last Supper?

"Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table."


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.




:bounce:


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## isa (Apr 4, 2000)

What do you know she invented a new language : Chemical English. Wonder if it will catch on...


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

Hey, Kimmie! This sort of thing could give me nightmares!

At least it doesn't say to tirate anything....

_shudder_


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## peachcreek (Sep 21, 2001)

Two ladies walk out of a restaurant, and one turns and says to the other" That was absolutly the WORST tasting meal I have ever had." Her friend replies " You're right. And the portions were small, too."
-from Woody Allens' "Annie Hall".

Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead were walking down the street, when a delivery truck veered wildly onto the sidewalk, smashing poor Mr. Potatohead. Badly mashed, but not dead he is rushed by ambulance to the E. R. for surgery. After waiting hours for word of her husband, he is finally wheeled out of the operating room. The doctors try to console his grieving wife. "Mrs Potatohead," begins the doctor "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your husband survived the accident. The bad news is, he will be a vegetable the rest of his life."


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## peachcreek (Sep 21, 2001)

A Frankfurter reading his junk mail:"You may already be a weiner"


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

That's what my wife does. I figure the recipe, she does the product formulation and scaleup (although seldom on the same product).

Kuan


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Kuan:

Do you mean that your wife *writes* recipes?


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

What did one mushroom say to the other?

You're a fungi.

Two chefs were caught by cannibals and were sitting in the pot waiting to be boiled alive. One looks at the other and says "HAH! now we've got them! They forgot to salt the water!"


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

Heh nope Kimmie, I mean my wife converts these recipes into extremely large scale formulations. She works with single and twin screw extruders and writes the engineering documents like you have up there for large scale production. 

Kuan


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

Hope your day is going better than this guy's!


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.


BTW Kuan, Thanks for your input!


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## isa (Apr 4, 2000)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Is this a burger which I see before me, 
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. 
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still. 
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible 
To taste as to sight? or art thou but 
A burger of the mind, a false dinner, 
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach? 
I see thee yet, in form as palatable 
As this cracker which now I chew. 
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going, 
And such condiments I was to use! 
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses, 
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still, 
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat, 
Which was not so before. There's no such food: 
It is the bloody diet which informs 
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the Weight Watchers 
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse 
The growling bowels; famished celebrate 
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger, 
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale, 
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers. 
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal 
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef, 
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear 
My very swallows prate of my gluttony, 
And take the present mirror from the room, 
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives: 
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.

_[A bell rings.]_

I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me. 
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell 
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to ****.

_[Exeunt.] _


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. 

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. 

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. 
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. 

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. 

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. 
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. 

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? 

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. 

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. 

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. 
That way, at least you'll get one thing done. 

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? 

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. 
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? 

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? 

:lips:


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Thank you so much Quenelle. This was great.

Sartre died in Paris in 1981. His last word is reputed to have been, simply, "Trix."


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## isa (Apr 4, 2000)

Makes me think of Citizen Kane famous last word: Rosebud

Wonder what Sartre was thinking about.....


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## shroomgirl (Aug 11, 2000)

A nun eats at an Abbey and has an incredible meal of fish and chips, she finishes eating and asks to see the chefs......
she goes into the kitchen with two monks cooking and says which Brother cooked the french fries they were wonderul....
I'm the chip monk and he is the fish friar!!!!


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

What did the Dali Lama ask for at McDonald's?

_Make me one with everything._

I love the idea of Sartre's cook book. I have Freud's Own Cookbook which explores the "oral origin of neurosis," which I love dearly. Birth Trauma Cake is one of my favorite recipes - the cake is placed in the oven, but never baked.

As for Sartre's last word...perhaps he was thinking "Trix are for kids..."


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## coolj (Dec 12, 2000)

Good one Nancy, I had to think for a couple of minutes on the Dahli Lama joke.

here's one

a duck walks into a bar, hops up on the counter and says to the bar keep "got any bread"

bar keep: " no we don't serve ducks here"
duck " got any bread ?"
bar keep " no, we don't serve ducks here"
duck " got any bread ?"
bar keep " No, for last time, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"
duck " got any nails ?"
bar keep "no"
duck " good, got any bread ?"


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Funny CoolJ!

Nancya: «_the cake is placed in the oven, but never baked_»

That's probably where the trauma comes from. :lol:


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Joe traveled to Spain and wandered into a Madrid restaurant one night for a late dinner. 

He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe asked. 

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied. 

"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked. 

"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." 

At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the next night and order it again. 

This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller. 

"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter. 

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied. 

"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." 

"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."


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## kimmie (Mar 13, 2001)

Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

In deep, dark November, you won't be overrun with grasshoppers so I suggest you try this out on slugs...


Ingredients:
baker's chocolate
candied crickets

Directions:
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

A tasty surprise in every one! :bounce:


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

Slugs are just not crispy enough...but didn't someone here say they had some extra roaches????

_eeewwwwwwww_


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## isa (Apr 4, 2000)

I'll pass.


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## monpetitchoux (Apr 24, 2001)

But they sure do fit the bill when you want a soft and chewy center.


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## isa (Apr 4, 2000)

At the Insectarium, our local bug museum, they're having a special all month, bug cuisine. Delicacy from all over the world.


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