# Mrs. Miller



## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Just need to vent, here goes...

Everyone that has worked in the biz has met their own Mrs. Miller. She, usually a woman, complains about anything and everything and is rude to waitstaff. (If she won the lottery, she'd complain about the taxes.) Always demanding, never happy, and unless widowed is usually accompanied by a very pleasant man who looks like he is patietly waiting for sweet sweet death.

A half dozen years ago my wife said to me, "If I ever get like Mrs. Miller, please just shoot me." Flash forward, and in the past two years I have found myself waking up in the morning with Mrs. Miller laying next to me more and more often.

Fortunately, the transformation is not complete. Although I find myself playing the meak husband 90% of the time (Survival mode I think they call it), there are lucid periods where Mrs. Miller is NOT my wife.

Through the wonders of pharmaceuticals, Mrs. Miller has been absent more often than not in recent weeks. In the past couple of days though, there isn't a happy pill in the world that could relieve our home of Mrs. Miller. (Next week the dosages gets adjusted... Seriously)

Now, back to our agreement 6-7 years ago, I do not think that there is a court in the land that would allow me to say, "Your honor, my wife had a verbal living will that stated that I should pull the plug so to speak if she ever became Mrs. Miller. I therefore plead innocent." Vermont is a liberal state, but not THAT liberal.

In the past I would just go to work early and stay late when Mrs. Miller was in town. Everybody who knows me refers to me as the guy who works a hundred plus hours a week. Right now I am between jobs and evaluating my career. Sadly, I have no place to be that often.

Oh, what spurred the pharmaceutical solution in large part was a phone call that my wife answered last month. "This is Brian from Haliburton, could you tell Derek that we have a position for him in Afganistan."

"Do I really yell that much?"

"Yes, it would be easier to get shot at once in a while to getting ripped a new one for:
making coffee and tea, changing the baby, and letting the dogs out in the wrong order.
putting the stopper on the back of the sink while I clean it.
wearing my kitchen clogs to walk to the mailbox.
wearing my sandals to walk to the mailbox.
wearing my boots to walk to the mailbox.
walking barefoot to the mailbox.
Asking if it is Okay if I wear dress shoes to walk to the Mailbox.
Not painting the porch.
Painting the porch.
I think that I'll pause my vent for a moment or 30 and smoke a cigar. If only I had scotch in the house, I would no longer have scotch in the house.

GreaseChef...


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## free rider (May 23, 2006)

Maybe this will make you feel better: http://www.mil-millington.pwp.blueyo...uk/things.html

To add, I didn't write it and neither am I the girlfriend to which the list refers.


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Free Rider, that is hilarious! I've read about a third, and can unfortunately relate to much of it.


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## crazytatt (Mar 5, 2006)

Why don't you come on down to VB, and take a "working sabadicle"...I can put you up. 

I know EXACTLY how you feel.


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Very tempting, CrazyTatt... I'll even clean your grease traps.


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## crazytatt (Mar 5, 2006)

That better not be slang for some kinky act!:lol: 


Na man, I hear you. I go through the same thing periodically. You know what they say," you can't live with 'em, you can't put 'em in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks" 

But over all when things are good, they are really good, but when it gets bad...It IS bad.


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Maybe I should PM this, but the next time that the inlaws come to visit, I'd love to go to VB and spend some time in your kitchen. I had a look at the hotel website, you've got a nice looking dining room.

What's the menu like?

Oh, and cleaning the grease trap is just that. Perhaps the worst possible job in any kitchen.


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

GC, I will admit to being a relative of Mrs. Miller now and then, having reached that certain time of life a few years back. My patient, patient husband has been rewarded richly for his forbearance, I assure you! (Since several CTers have met my Dear Husband, they can attest to his "menchitude".)

Pharmaceuticals help, but time is the best medicine. We do come to our senses and become once more that sweet bride our perfect husbands married.


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## diane (Mar 24, 2006)

I have no intention to sound trite, or certainly not dismissive. But have you asked her why these trying times are on you? I do not advocate you chase her down the haway, screaming why why why. But you may get a sensible answer in quieter times. Sometimes people don't know why. But there is always a reason. Possibly, even probably, you may know the answer anyway. Have a think about it. And be gentle with both of you.


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## panini (Jul 28, 2001)

to correct a hiccup, you should hold your breath while drinking a glass of water 
I'm so lucky, it took my lovely bride 3-5 days to breeze through.


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## foodnfoto (Jan 1, 2001)

Gee, GC, it sounds like you're having a rough time. That's too bad.
My esposo and I have loud arguments about seemingly trivial stuff, too, but usually, with a little digging, find out that the surface reason is not the REAL reason for the riff.
I had a good friend give me some great advice about conflicts one time that I'll share-it works with anyone-spouse, parent, kid, coworker etc. unless they are just a complete idiot.
It's a three step formula:
Step 1- State the facts of the situation as you see them. "When you brush your teeth while looking in the mirror, little flecks of toothpaste spray all over the mirror" No one can really argue with the logic of that.
Step 2- State how those facts affect you and make you feel. "When that happens, it just makes more housecleaning for me to have to do and I already feel overwhelmed by it all." Again, no one can really argue with how facts make you feel.
Step 3- State what you would like to be done differently in the future and offer some alternatives. "I'd like to be responsible for less house cleaning, so could you take on the bathroom once a week or windex the mirror after you brush?"


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

FnF, did you ever teach? We train kids to "argue" productively in a similar way, either by example or directly if they don't pick up on it. Concise, focused statements and careful listening are the keys!


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Today has been good.

FoodNFoto, good advice, I am actually very much like that. I might add that I never lead off with a negative. 

example: "That chicken you are breaking down looks great for the stew that we are going to make. However, if you find the joint with your knife and cut like so, you get a nicer finished product and don't work so hard."

In the last few months I think that my wife's big hang-up has been financial. We took over a dumpy diner to see if it was financially viable. With a population of 180 in our town, and the building falling down (literally), and no snow for ski season, we managed to make no money for my 100 hour weeks of serious hash slinging.

Toss in some debt, bad tenants at our rental place, a 17 month old who seriously restricts our schedules, and the fact that since we have met, both of her brothers have died, and you have a recipe for tension.

Unfortunately, all of the above explains alot, but does not justify any of it. If you have a bad day, week or year, you still should not dump on your significant other. Terrible stuff, but does not justify ripping me a new one for wearing the wrong shirt today.

Anyway, today has been really good... No more venting from me. :smoking:


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## diane (Mar 24, 2006)

Now that is serious stress. For both of you. And I feel for you both. Seems the Mrs. has gone into bite mode, and I understand why. Having a young one, is no help, beloved as the wee one is. I think the hardest thing is for you to bite your tongue, divert her to laughter if you can. She probably loves all your shirts, and you, but hates some of her circumstances. So you become the whipping post. I know what that is like. I would also advance the theory she is suffering from fear, not anger. Although it doesn't feel that way to you. Of course. It seems a time when you have to carry all the responsibilty, and you do. She could well relax into that care, and become a different wife. 

Now is that fair? Well, yes it is, because we uphold each other at different times don't we. We all have patches of non coping. We all do. I have been married for only 33 years, it may seem quite a while, but to us it is yesterday. Do we argue? Yes we do, and sometimes quite vehemently. Do we chuck hissy fits on each other, yes we do. Do I choose to be silent for several days, yes I do. Does he go out and spend money on some dumb d**n thing without discussing it with me, yes he does, and we don't need it, or want it. 

Does life go on? Yes, it does. Take heart dear soul. It is hard, I know. But you can hold your family, your business, and your own life together, and it is worth it. And she will love you more.


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## panini (Jul 28, 2001)

I was so far off on Mrs. Miller. I thought she was going through a change in life.dah
This is just my personal view on a relationship. 
A relationship is pretty close to employment. It's a job that you have to work at. Your payment for going to work is in the form of happiness, less stress/tension, etc. Don't go to work and you don't get paid. Don't work hard and you have the stress, tension etc. There is no quick fix.
Personally I feel that one doesn't really have a chance at true friendship until they experience, or are close to, some sort of life trauma. I also think that a friend is the only way to have a sucessful non pseudo relationship. The stereotype of a relationship is just not natural. Good friends or buddies don't feel the need to work at how the friendship is supposed to be. They are friends that have the ability to understand each others faults or strenghts.
Align or become close/'help out' with someones trauma and watch how human nature will make your everyday troubles grow smaller and smaller. I know you're in a small town, but find a Ronald McDonald House/childrens hospital etc. and go donate 1 hour of your week to help someone out. I guarantee it will divert any negetive focus little by little.
I have been with my wife over 25 yrs. and we have been in the position of being very close to losing one another at different times. We're blessed that we don't have to work at what we have anymore.
These are just my thought and I probably haven't done a good job at expressing what I'm trying to say, but, take a day 6 yrs, ago when a doctor told me" I'll give you a perscription for your little boy to spend the night in the transplant ward tonight because I fear she might not make it till morning" it prioritizes everything.
The best of wishes to anyone working at a relationship.
Panini
oh GC, thanks for the lead to Jed's. We have already done some business.


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Thanks panini and Diane et al,

My wife just called from work to ask how to say 'goose' en francaise. She stumped me, but that isn't the point, she was in a pretty good mood.

There is, or course, more to the story. We sold our first house and are waiting for closing, and our current house is not in our names. My inlaws bought the house with cash, and we pay them. My wife, 39, was the youngest of four kids, and is the only surviving one today. She lost her older sister as a kid, both brothers in the past 6 years.

Her mood was greatly improved today when she spoke to her folks. She told them that we were selling the 'cottage' for 50% more than we paid for it two years ago. (Without any improvements) This led to talk that our current house has also jumped as much (18 months), which led to the inlaws saying that we should consider selling and moving somewhere better career wise.

Granted, selling a house with that kind of profit in so sort a time is an enviable position to be in. however, the TODAY situation has us falling behind on bills and having to live on the skinny. There is a looming feeling of, "What will go wrong?" Inspection and evaluation were good, and buyer's financing is also good. Still, we both worry, but she loses sleep over it.

Anyway, I wore the right shirt today, wore my kitchen clogs from the time I got out of the shower until now, adjusted the mirror in her car with no ill will, and life is good.

Perhaps she felt trapped having this place, but not in our names. We need to drive for an hour to get anywhere slightly significant. (30+ minutes to a grocery store.)

Long and short, tomorrow should also be a good day. :smoking:


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## foodnfoto (Jan 1, 2001)

OMG, Grease-
With all that going on it's no wonder your wife is snipping at you. There is a whirlwind of concern and responsibility swirling all around you both with a lot of unknown outcomes thrown into the mix. I can really sympathize with your situation.
It seems that when you can get some closure on a few things that you'll both feel a lot more secure.
Security is of utmost importance to mothers of children of any age, but especially very young kids. Your little one is too young to have any awareness of your stress or be of any help to you both and faces a world that seems centered around him (her?), but is really not. Yet, he responds to the world only from the point of his own needs-and all that directed mostly directed at your wife. With her own, still very new, grief (and yours too) it would be very easy to shift quickly into "fight or flight" mode. Of course, she can't flee-she's committed to YOU and your child- so her other option is "fight." It's not fair or pretty, but human nature.
Try to find some time to sit down together and focus on what you both really WANT as a couple and family. Don't worry about whether any of it is possible right now, just define what you want for your lives together. The future will seem brighter very quickly. Then slowly work out the details to have a few small successes fairly soon and build on that.
You've got some great advantages in your corner (sale price of your house-good show!!!, and supportive family nearby). Keep an open, adventurous spirit and who knows what will come your way.
Best of luck to you both.


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## diane (Mar 24, 2006)

Just a thought soul, but are your prices in the cafe a little modest. I do understand that there is a serious limit in smaller communities, but you might give that a bit of thought. Your time and experise is money, they must pay appropriately. And are lucky to have you.

The other thing is you said 30 mins. to the nearest grocery store. Is it possible for you to have a small deli counter? Just things that people run out of, basics they might pick up with their dinner or lunch. No so as it affects your business. I am thinking of stuff like milk, bread, butter, some yoghurt. Maybe cook and slice some corned beef, or a ham. You would be a far better judge than I could be. I just throw it into the mix FWIW. Kindest regards. Diane.


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## diane (Mar 24, 2006)

...And while I am on a rave, have you thought of soup bags to take home, with bread of course, to be warmed. Gorgeous garlic or herb loaves, keeping their secrets in foil. Calculate the cost slightly below your serving price. Make people wonder what de jour will be. Habits will develope, they just do. It's like fish and chips on Friday, Mothers rest. Fish and chips isn't a bad idea at all, But one must wrap a lemon up in the parcel. It could become a joyous expectation because most people don't do it. Have you considered a take away roast dinner for a family. Maybe the cafe could become a takeaway, as much as it is an in house. People could buy tea and coffee, as they wait for their lovely hot parcel of whatever. Sell cute little dips in cute little containers. Separately. 

I know I am probably preaching to the converted. Teaching my grandmother to suck eggs. And attendant cliques. But I feel a sense of excitement for you, learn to make bubble and squeek, it will be well received. Have a few sausages hanging up. Maybe veg or fruit baskets on a low table. Be everything you can to them. And most of all, genial.


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Hi Diane,

Every town in this area has a general store, ours happens to be ridiculously overpriced. General stores are great for what you mention, small stuff that can be picked up, and they always have a small deli counter. They are no substitute for a proper grocery store with meats and fresh vegetables, etc.

and
If you refer to the diner that I owned in town, it was an actual mill, late 19th century construction, and very little in the way of insulation and modern renovation. It had been converted to a tavern 40 years ago, and a diner 20 years ago. Long and short is that we leased the property to see if it was still viable, it wasn't, and now the place will be bulldozed within a couple of weeks. That chapter is closed, I have no business.

Anyway, I expect that we will be putting this house on the market this coming September (Need wait to avoid land gain taxes). Until then, I have just accepted a job working in a bakery 4AM to noon. It is a one hour drive and pays less than I usually ask, but I expect I'll learn something. I could flip eggs for more $, but I've already got my black belt in egg flippery.


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## diane (Mar 24, 2006)

I am very sorry to hear that greasechef. I bothers my heart. And, I am sure, others. I do so sincerely hope all works out for the very best for you. And strangely enough, it does. I did pray for you and your family, it was a funny business, an odd floaty prayer. Like the feather in the wind. I saw the bird pick it up, and weave it into the nest outside my window. But it is not nest time here. I will continue to watch, and let you know.


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## greasechef (May 20, 2006)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I leased rather than bought so that I could walk away if things didn't go as well as I had hoped. Seven months of 100+ hour weeks, and it became clear that the location would never generate the income needed to tear down the old, and build a proper restaurant.

So, it is still the land owners headache, not mine. They will be building a house in that location. This is a very desirable area for people to have their second home.


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## diane (Mar 24, 2006)

Alas, the nest came to naught. They were busy little birds. But have gone now. So Sorry, a loss.


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