# I Don't Like Weddings! (Caution! Male Perspective!)



## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

No I don't really hate weddings, I just hate the expense, both monetary and emotional, which we'll have to endure. My wife and I find ourselves in this wedding. She's one of the bridesmaids and I'm one of the groomsmen. She has to get a dress and a pair of shoes which she will probably never wear ever again (along with the other three dresses hanging in the closet) and I need rent a tuxedo. Total expense will be around $350 for both of us. Never mind that I have to wear these plastic shoes and fake plastic buttons, we have to drive 400 miles to get the darn dress fitted properly before the wedding, drive home, drive down again to make sure the alterations were done properly, come back home, then go back for the wedding. Add at least another night in the hotel at $100 and we're almost $600 for every gas and all included. And this doesn't even include the wedding pictures we're obligated to purchase and the wedding gift.

Meanwhile the bride-to-be is on the phone everyday freaking out over little things here and there. Have to lose weight, wedding cake, invitations, flowers, dinner, shoes don't match the bridesmaid's dresses, groom-to-be doesn't get along with sister, and how can she have a wedding so close to Thanksgiving, etc. Hey, to me, it's not worth it. My wife and I never went through any of this BS. We had a small wedding and reception and everything went fine.

Why do other people have to be put through such stress just to be part of someone else's fantasy? Thank goodness this is the last one for a long time.

Kuan


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## kokopuffs (Aug 4, 2000)

It's HER day. The wedding day belongs to the bride.


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## alexia (Mar 3, 2002)

Kuan, you say you "find" yourself in the wedding party. If you and your wife agree that the burdens of time, money, and emotional pressure are too great, why not simply opt out? 

Personally I believe in very small , intimate weddings. Then have a big party later if you want one.


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## peachcreek (Sep 21, 2001)

As a caterer I do only a limited amount of wedding because I found out a long time ago that brides are wonderful, lovely women who become psychotic as the wedding day arrives. And to put it bluntly- I'm not going to be the guy to screw up her big day!


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

That came up. I was told I couldn't by more than one person in the family. I still don't understand why. I'm also making the chocolate party favors for everyone, four chocolates in an origami box, and also playing guitar before the ceremony. My wife is also doing her flowers. Man... I tellya.

Kuan


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## kokopuffs (Aug 4, 2000)

Kuan:

Why not give a performance on the Koto. You'll be sure to be invited to the next wedding!

-T


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## panini (Jul 28, 2001)

KUAN,KUAN!!!!
GET A GRIP!!!! Weddings are wonderful!!! The bigger the better!!! All newly weds should spend a fortune for thier ceremony and reception(10% cake). It's the best day of your life together besides having children. You'll go, you'll drink, you'll dance and best of all, you'll have cake! :beer:


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

CAKE?!?! You know, I told her I knew some people who do cake freelance in Chicagoland area right? OH noooo... the banquet facility works with a very "famous" pastry chef who does a lot of wedding cakes. The can get a "deal" on the cake and lump it all in one package. Yeah rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright... we'll wait and see if the crisco melts under the lights.

Kuan  

Oh no Koto... maybe a big ceremonial gong!


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## w.debord (Mar 6, 2001)

I don't know...I have thought the same things Kuan. Take it further, what if everyone gave the couple the thousand dollars worth of expenses, they could have a down payment on a house.

I think each of us have different thoughts/dreams about weddings. For mine it was very intimate and casual. 

We rented a 'crazy' house for 200.00 (it was the most unique house I'd ever seen), I wore a wedding dress that I found for $45.00 in a antique shop. My sister stood up for me, I told her to wear whatever she wanted. The men were supposed to wear suits but my sil talked them into renting tux. BIL v-taped and shot photos. We did the whole thing for about $2,000. My friends still rave how cool our wedding was and tell their freinds about it.

I've catered tons of weddings and behind the scenes you see the truth for many of them......it's about the public image the family wants to project. Many unpleasant happenings, conversations, arguements.

It's amazing how many couples take on this HUGE debit because they wanted a big wedding. I can understand wanting to have your dreams come true but the years of burden paying off the thing....isn't a great way to start a marriage.

We've been invited to weddings for people where we didn't even know the persons last name! This invitation comes and you stuggle to figure out who it's from. I got invited recently to a baby shower for co-workers (of 3 months) sister that I shared like 2 small conversations with...just a brief meeting and now I'm abligated to send a gift?....jeez.

It's not that you don't have well wishes for them, but it would be nice if they had at least one foot grounded in reality.


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## shawtycat (Feb 6, 2002)

My mother just got married August 18th.....she had the wedding at Sam Lord's Castle in Barbados. Real big affair, thousands of dollars spent, she & my stepdad made the cake.......I wasn't able to make it since my son was only a month old and the doctor said he couldn't fly. Now my cousin is getting married in March and it's the same whoopla all over again. We are expected to bring all three of the kids there, my partner (learned a new word for live in boyfriend  ) is blind and my cousin has now made me one of the bridemaids.  I'd really like to opt out and just be on the bride's side of the church but since Ive already missed my mom's wedding....I don't wanna push my luck with the relatives.

I jokingly told my partner that when we do get married we are eloping to Vegas to get married by Elvis. It may be a small wedding but the "Family" sure will be talking about it for years to come. I can't possibly see a wedding without us eloping since he is Greek Orthodox and I'm Anglican.  His mom wants me to get re baptized Greek Orthodox....think that is why we haven't set a date yet. Why should I have to get rebaptized just to get married?


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## rachel (Oct 27, 2001)

Oh dear Shawty. . . One of my friend's has the same problem with her partner. I think her not being Greek Orthodox made her the bride of Satan for a while, although now the 'family' really like her and non-English speaking Greek Cypriot granny thinks that she is God's gift. I reckon it's because Granny can't speak English and doesn't know what a foul- mouth she has on her. But Granny's expression of approval for their grandson's choice was 'well, we can always get her baptized. . .'
I don't like weddings either to be honest. i find them an expensive, boring waste of time. I have luckily generally managed to be in another country when friends have got married, although i had to go to Oxford to my cousin's wedding and travel from Spain.
Weddings seem to best be avoided as far as i can see. Unless they are in a foriegn country (or it's a ceremony comprising of people from a culture quite different to your own. . .) and the ceremony will be very different, or you know that they have an exceptionally good caterer. . .


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## suzanne (May 26, 2001)

Some of my friends here have heard my story before, but it fits so well here:

Paul and I lived together for 12 years before we finally decided, what the heck, we might as well get married. In truth, we were a bit embarrassed that we were finally giving in to convention. So on the morning of the day we were going off to a conference in Venice (Italy, not CA), we went to the City Clerk's office with one witness, and got hitched. As it happened, there was a public art project going on at the time: there was a 2-story-tall plywood wedding cake in City Hall Park. As we came out of the Municipal Building, someone asked us if we had just gotten married, and if so, would we like some pictures taken? So we climbed up to the top of the cake, and SNAP. They kept copies, and gave us 
Polaroids. Then we went home, finished packing, and left for the conference. That was it.

We hadn't told *anyone*, not even our respective sets of parents. We left the photos with the marriage certificate on the kitchen counter. My parents came to put some milk in the fridge for us just before we got home -- saw the stuff, and according to my mother, my father started to cry. Of course, they then called Paul's parents to let them know. They all offered to give us a big "reception," but we never took them up on it. Why spend all that money? Yeah, sure, it's a happy occasion to celebrate, but still... although now I feel bad we didn't give any work to a cake-maker  .

By now, we've been together 28 years -- so we even missed the chance to celebrate our 25th "anniversary." What matters is that we're still together.


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## cape chef (Jul 31, 2000)

When I was young I used to be dropped off at a friends of my parents every Thursday for about a year and a half.

The Mother was Thia and the husband American who worked for Save the Children.

The mother had 3 children from her first marriage (her husband was killed in Thialand)

So every Thursday she would allow me to help her prepare the evening meal of authentic thia cuisine. (BTW, this and working in my grandfathers bakery was what got me into cooking)

I learned an amazing amount of wisdom and spirituality from Ruech (her shortained name)and also how to prepare thia food for a family of 5+relatives (there was always relatives there)

Anyway, Her son was to be married and it was to be a traditinal thia wedding. The bride was dressed in the most beautiful asian designed gown I had ever seen. She was nealing before the buddist monks (I think buddist) as her soon to be husband slowly trotted up the street on a white horse in an incredible outfit and head cover.

The horse bowed his head and the groom got off the horse, nealed down next to his bride for the ceramony. Not one word was spoken during this time,everything was done through the spirit.

We had an amazing reception (this was all down outside and inside there home) and all the food was prepared by family.

I have been to many weddings, but this one (besides my own  ) is the only one that sticks in my memory as being truely exceptinal and beautiful.


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## athenaeus (Jul 24, 2001)

Don't fool around with Greek Orthodox OR Jewish mates if you don't intend to accept their religion and get baptised.
I am serious now.
Being a Jewish or a Greek Orthodox, is not about religion, but it's about everyday life.

If my husband was Jewish I would conver to Judaism automatically, especially if we were planning to have children. I would do the same if he was an Agglican or Buddhist. Why would I be the one to convert and I wouldn't expect my husband to do so?
Because the father is the pillar stone of a house and I wouldn't want my children think that their mother is dragging their father by the nose. ( Mothers always do but children don't really need to know this by day 1  ) 

Don't underestimate the power of religion in everyday life ( I don't mean here DON"T DISSAGREE with religion or BE RELIGIOUS).

Rachel dear, if you haven't fainted by now while reading this post, mind the day you will get married 
I will come there , spend BIG money and organise for you a wedding that even Joan Collins would envy!


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## risa (May 11, 2001)

I was a bridesmaid (again) this past July. I've been very fortunate in that I've never had to pay for my own dress although all my bridesmaid dresses are actually wearable. My friends have even offered to pay for the shoes and they give little gifts to the wedding party. My only gripe about being in a wedding party is that I don't get a chance to eat. Most of my friends are Chinese and the brides change at least twice during dinner and we bridemaids really are "maids" and help the brides get into the various gowns.


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## pongi (Jan 11, 2002)

Vivian,
honestly I cannot understand your point of view...if you REALLY believe to a specific religion, how could you convert to another only for convenience? On the other hand, if you're agnostic or don't believe in God, how could you sincerely embrace ANY religion? This way you DO drag your husband by the nose...
If you join a monotheistic religion, you'll believe it's the only true one, so you cannot easily convert to another. If your religion is tolerant with the other and doesn't believe to have got the Universal Truth, there's no need for all the members of a family to believe in the same God.
"The pillar stone"? 
This seems to me pretty old fashioned  

Pongi


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## kokopuffs (Aug 4, 2000)

A:

I've heard the same thing said of Mormons. Don't bother unless you plan to convert.


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## w.debord (Mar 6, 2001)

I dare not speak for Vivian, but I interpeted her words less literally and viewed them more from an emotional/psychological point of view. For instance, my Father is Jewish and my Mother was Catholic. His family disliked my Mom before they even met her for not being a Jew. She (mom) did convert but was NEVER ever accepted by my Fathers family as a Jew or a real family member. It hurt her. 
My parents dis-connected from anyone with strong religious beliefs. Still are shy of any organized religion and their in the later years when many people turn to religion.

As the child of parents who rejected people who were religious. I think/KNOW I missed a great deal!

Just converting doesn't work/solve the issue in many families. That's what I got from Vivians post.

But the male female thing....well we live in different parts of the world. Her's is more enrobed in tradition than mine. I love a good subject to converse on but let us always tolerate differences.


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## shawtycat (Feb 6, 2002)

I was baptized Anglican but Im not very religious......Im agnostic actually...(think that is the right term for someone who believes in God but not organized religion  ) I believe that religions are the same with slight differences in the main stories.

My partner agrees with going to the Justice of Peace since we both do not want a big hoopala about it. He's his own man and I couldn't force him to do anything he personally didn't want. Plus.......I wouldn't feel comfortable converting to another religion. Just the thought of standing there in a church and lying about my acceptance of another religion's beliefs is very unpalateable. I really would expect to be struck by lightning.


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## athenaeus (Jul 24, 2001)

Frankly I don't give a **** about religion and rituals but I hate to admit that the Greek Ortodox Religion survives for 2000 years now, although other theories and life patterns , like socialism, or agnostism for example didn't make it even for 50 years...

Societies tend to " keep" what is functional for their survival. If you don't believe me, ask Darwin 

Why do you think that Judaism, for example, survived although Israelites, needed 3000 years to return to their homeland?

I think that it's because they had RULES that they obeyed.

I took as examples those two religions ( and not Catholicism) because Jews and Greeks had to live for centuries under foreign rulers or away from their homeland. 

Religion gave them their identity.

If you ask me " What are you"? I wouldn't reply " Woman" but I'd say immediately that " I am Greek"

I hope now that I clarified a bit my point of view.
As for the rest of the issue.

When I feel lonely ( something not very unsual since my Greek Family wasn't a traditional one) I recall the moments I spent with my grandparents that they run traditional families. 

My grandfather was sitting at the head of the table, he was cutting the bread, he said the prayers and then he said " Let's eat". If he didn't say that, none touched the food. In this very house, in my grandpa's conservative world, his wife, my grandma, was next to God. He didn't even think to cheat her...

Everyone knew his/her role and loyalty meant support.

VERY old-fashioned indeed but guess what? : Shrinks were unemployed those days...


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## pongi (Jan 11, 2002)

Vivian,
of course I fully agree with you about the role of religions in the society.
Although I don't believe in God (and, trying to be coherent, I'm not married with my "husband" and we haven't baptized our daughter) I KNOW I'm so deeply permeated with the catholic culture that I should define myself as an "unaware catholic". The religion we've grown with is a main part of our identity and it's just the reason why the idea of a "marriage conversion" sounds so odd to me.
BTW...what you said about Greeks and Jews is partially true also for Italians. Apart from the last 150 years, we've never been a whole country, but many small states, most of whom under foreign rulers, Spanish, Germans, Arabs and so on..."Italy" is a pretty recent concept and this is probably the reason why we aren't those good patriots 
As for the male/female issue...Wendy, don't be concerned! I hadn't the slightest intention to hurt anyone, and hopefully Vivian has understood it. I allowed myself to make that (playful) remark just because I'm Italian and she is Greek. We live so close the one to the other and our cultures have so much in common that I cannot be suspected to be "intolerant" of her point of view...



Pongi


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## rachel (Oct 27, 2001)

Rachel dear, if you haven't fainted by now while reading this post, mind the day you will get married 
I will come there , spend BIG money and organise for you a wedding that even Joan Collins would envy!  [/B][/QUOTE]

Oh Athenaeus. . . you may live to regret these words as I have now saved them onto my computer. Be warned that should the ocassion arise, if you are footing the bill, Pannini will be doing the cake and CC the rest of the catering, so you'll have the added expense of flying them to Scotland!!

On a serious note, mixed religions seem to me to cause an infinite amount of problems. If it's two people who are quite 'laissez-faire' then it's not such a problem (although it may be for the families). However for to marry someone who is deeply commited to a religion different from your own is really making things extremely difficult. I have two friends who split up with beloved boyfriends, one a comitted Christian whose boyfriend became a Rastafarian (they are from the Bahamas) and another whose boyfiend was a Muslim while she is a deeply commited Christian. The Muslim has now married another Christian (they are all from Ghana) amd already after a few months there are problems relating to religion.


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## cape chef (Jul 31, 2000)

Rachel,

Why should I come to Scotland if you won't share your single malt prize?

If the day comes you need a "caterer" to fly to your neck of the woods...count me in.

Hey, can Panini and I drink scotch on the plane?


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## rachel (Oct 27, 2001)

I'll share the prize alright CC, I'll jyst be a bit suspicious if you tell me that it' you who have won it!  

But you and Pannini can drink all the whisky you like. At least it would be a wedding worth inviting people to as I know I could garantee the quality of the food! Now all that's left is the small matter of finding a husband. . .I think that they ran out of them at my local supermarket a while ago Any offers?? At least you'd eat well


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## shimmer (Jan 26, 2001)

Weddings seem to be the only reason I travel lately. They're the only occasion I know of where other people sometimes foot the bill! I just played the piano for a wedding 2000 miles from where I live, and since the guy (a very old friend) really wanted me to be there, he paid for my husband and I to fly out so we could visit family and stuff too!

I've played the piano for what seems like hundreds of weddings. I think most of them are redundant. Given the chance, I would have disregarded my Mom's feelings (who, apparently, had waited her entire life to plan her oldest daughter's wedding and wasn't going to hold back on anything) and eloped. I imagine how much easier life would have been had we had all the money we spent on one silly day of dressing up on moving across the country for graduate school. 

If you're a performer like I am, getting up on stage in a beautiful dress doesn't even feel unique! My husband and I knew we were ready to spend the rest of our lives together and didn't need to prove it to anyone, but our wedding reception served as the last party before we moved 2000 miles away, so in that way it was nice. 

I digress. I think weddings are silly, but parties are fun!

~~Shimmer~~


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## kokopuffs (Aug 4, 2000)

Yes, Shimmer, parties are fun, 'till death do us part!


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## panini (Jul 28, 2001)

Rachel,
You will have to pick us up at the airport. You won't be able to miss us when we depart, we'll be the ones staggering down the ramp in our chefs hats and plaid skirts.:beer:


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## athenaeus (Jul 24, 2001)

:lol:

No problem Rachel!

But what makes me worry is that cape Chef doesn't know how to cook disgusting English Food ( he he he I was waiting a life time for that! )


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## cwk (Nov 24, 2000)

Kuan,
Just go to the wedding and deal with it.
Have a good time and don't worry about the money spent,hardships endured and any disagreements with your spouse.
All things will pass and life goes on.
Have fun,
Bill


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