# Help! I'm getting married



## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

I'm mainly looking for general input, but I do have one food question--can I really count on these places that do the whole package deal for you--from the ceremony to the reception and the cake and the catering, etc. etc. or should I hire a private caterer, along with everyone else--a photographer, flowers, etc. Are buffets a good idea or should I stick with the "beef or chicken" plated meal type things?
I am leaning towards having it in my church in my old hometown and having the reception downstairs in the meeting hall. That means I'd have to hire everyone myself--photographers, caterers, find a wedding cake, flowers, etc. My fiance keeps sending me links to fancy estates and mansions that do ceremonies and receptions--and hire their own people to do the food and everything else, I assume. (Haven't looked too deeply into this yet. Just got engaged a week and a half ago.)
IThe wedding won't be very big--only a couple bridesmaids, best man, and maybe 40 guests tops. Any tips?


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## chrose (Nov 20, 2000)

Kate Congratulations:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: I hope you two have a very long and happy relationship.
As far as the wedding things go I can't be a lot of help except to say that I got married in a country club that my mother hired. They did everything but the cake (which I did) but they did give me cooler space and we hired the photographer. I did many weddings in a wedding band at so called wedding factories and while not exceptionally fancy they all seemed to do a good job, never saw a problem with anything. Anyway you go as long as you don't go overboard in cost or accoutrements you can have a relaxing, romantic and memorable time. Best of luck.


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## headless chicken (Apr 28, 2003)

Congradulations Kate to you and your lucky SO...er...I mean, finace .

I'm not very experianced with weddings seeing how I'm only 20 y/o but its been my general experiance with everything these days, package deals are easy on the wallet but your risking quality. If I had the money to spend, I'd individually hire a catering company, baker for the cake, flourists for the decorations, and band or DJ for the music...this is your wedding so go all out if you can. Try to get references from other companies for other services your can't make a decision on like a photographer or driving services. IMO, a buffet is more festive, people are closer and mingle more then a plain sit down inner but with sit downs, its more traditional and fomral (the way I would do it). 

You should just really ask yourself "What do I want in my wedding and how much can I afford?" to determine your decision making.


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## pete (Oct 7, 2001)

Congrats Kate!!! A couple of things to think about first off. If you plan your reception at the church, will they allow alcohol? Many churches don't, and if toasts and/or drinking is important to you then you need to look elsewhere. The second thing to remember, is not to focus too much on the reception and food. Believe me when I say that no matter what you do, your guests will have a great time and will be glad to share in your special day. I have been and/or worked in weddings ranging from a backyard BBQ to $100,000 extrazaganza and have seen the guests enjoy themselves at both types, maybe even more at the more informal BBQ.

A lot comes down to what you (or the parents can afford). I got married when I lived in Chicago. My wife and I started out wanting a reception at one of the "hot" places in town, but after looking at finances we decided that we could not afford nearly that kind of wedding, so instead we went out to the suburbs and held it at a golf club that offered us one of those packages. It was the best decision we could have made. It allowed us to do so much more-open bar, 4 course dinner, longer time with the DJ, nicer looking cake. Ok, so the quality was not 3-star, but it was good, and the place let us do all our own decorating and stuff like that. Afterwards, I never heard any comment about the food we served (and believe me, my restaurant friends would have let me know it sucked). All we heard about was the lovely wedding ceremony and the "great party" we threw afterwards.

So I guess it comes down to do what you want to do, what you feel comfortable doing. No matter what you decide, everyone will love it, and they will have a great time.


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## peachcreek (Sep 21, 2001)

I agree with Pete that if you can do a decent package deal, do it. If you want to do it yourself, hire or get someone to coordinate it. Even if you can delegate off all the responsibilities you can you will still be overwhelmed by what a wedding entails. It'll take all you got just to show up and get married. Plan your wedding and have someone else do the running around. 
Just an opinion from a guy who gets paid to work a lot of weddings.


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## phoebe (Jul 3, 2002)

Oh Kate, you can't drop something like this on us and expect us to just give you reception tips! I'm so happy for you both :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: !!!

Since my husband and I were (gulp) older and ours was a second (much, much better) marriage for me though the first for David, we just had 6 friends and a rabbi under a chuppah and then off to a private room at a local Italian restaurant for lots of tasty appetizers and lots of champagne (which the restaurant suggested we bring ourselves in order to drink something decent--they were great). A few weeks later when the term ended, we went on a 3 week honeymoon (lune de miel--the French actually call it the same thing) in Provence and the French alps. What I'm saying is you might think about saving some of the wedding budget for a really fabulous honeymoon trip (if not right now, later). 

But whatever you decide, congratulations, a long and healthy life to you both, and have a great time at your wedding :beer: :smiles: :beer: !!!


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Another question: Is it custom for the bride's mother to help (or take over) with organizing it? I just talked to her and she is trying to impose her ideas on me (have the wedding and reception in the same place, have it near her so she can help plan for it, don't go too fancy, get a simple wedding dress, blah blah blah). I don't understand why she should have a part of it, (besides some 200 year old custom from back in the day when the parents used to pick the groom, too) And she tells me not to let my fiance help with anything or even give any input--isn't it his wedding too?
A week and a half into the engagement and I already want it to be over.


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

Kate,

If it's your money, then it's your choice. If it's your mom's money, well, expect a lot of input and even outright decisions.

My wife and I paid for our own modest wedding (70 people) and had a few friends help out. Our cake was made by a good pastry chef friend and the flowers were arranged by another friend. The photographer was a foodie friend and... well, you get the picture, friends. And to top it off, her mother made her wedding gown. What would have cost us probably $10,000 probably ran us half that amount. No limo, no DJ, but we had a 13 course dinner 

My suggestion is to young couples is to keep it small and most of all, affordable. The expenses do pile up, from stamps to stationary to return envelopes to... everything costs money! If you can't afford anything big at the moment, you can always make it up at some other time. Remember, your wedding is not about impressing others, it's about you. Many people have immutable ideas about their dream wedding and end up paying for it for the rest of their lives. Be flexible, and be assured that compromise does not, in any way, make you more or less of a woman. I have to side with your mother here a bit. She does have some good advice for the both of you about keeping it simple.

Anyway, it's more affordable to have a wedding on the outskirts of town rather than in the city. Of course, a Holiday Inn costs less than a Four Seasons, and a pig roast costs less than a sit down dinner. Getting married in church may be difficult if impossible if you're not a member of the congregation. Even then, the charge for a church wedding may be quite significant. It may be more cost effective to do it in the courthouse and throw a big bash later on.

So anyway, where do you plan on getting married? I wonder if we can find someone on cheftalk to do the reception, someone to do the cake.  Oooh! It'll be so fun!

Kuan


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

Best wishes, Kate! I had a great time planning my wedding in 1992 because I did it all myself. My parents lived 1500 miles away and sent checks every so often. I was nearly 40 so I was not in the mood for a long white dress; in fact, mine came from Eddie Bauer. (No, it was not down-filled.) We fed and watered 115 people. I don't think we spent much more than $5000 for the whole wedding, right down to my shoes.

Here's my take on your mom's behavior: If your mom is paying, she gets more say than if she's not. Having said that, it's YOUR wedding (the bride's gig, so to speak), and she is in very bad form to make it all about herself. If she wants to plan a party for herself, graciously allow her to do so, but it will not be YOUR wedding. If she wants to have your very important day be meaningful to you, her daughter, she should let you take the lead on planning. Period. 

What does your fiance say? The two of you should decide how big or small, how fancy or simple, formal or laid back. Then go from there. Present your plan to your parent(s), but know what is not negotiable from your standpoint.

Please do keep a binder with everything- every receipt, every scrap of notes- because you will not regret it. Misunderstood quotes for goods and services, misprinted delivery times, color choices, etc. can all be made right if you have the receipts. Get all quotes in writing, even if friends are baking, sewing, etc. for you. It's fair for both. 

Mazel Tov! :beer:


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Well, I was a member of the congregation from when we moved there when I was about 9 until I left town when I was about 18. I was an active member of the youth group and in the theater productions we put on (Pippin, Godspell, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, etc.) 
I still pop in once in a while when I'm up there and my mom goes to services once in a while. The congregation has grown considerably since I left, and mom complains that she doesn't know many people there anymore, but I am pretty close with the head minister and have used him as sort of a therapist during the harder times in my life.
As for money, my mom has said "I hope your father pays for it." They are divorced--doesn't that add a whole other can of worms! LOL
So if he does pay for it, doesn't *he* have all the say?
I'll be talking with him over the phone tomorrow night.


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

Kate,

To answer the first question, most places which do it all for you will give you the cheapest lousiest cake ever. It'll look quite nice, but it'll taste like crisco. OK, but there are other upscale places which do a great job catering the dinner and also the party. These normally offer a tasting once or twice a month for potential clients.

If you have noshows at a plated dinner you still get charged. (quite common) If you go over you get charged. Some places will even charge for a coke. If you go with the buffet you can negotiate a fixed price regardless of how many people show. (within reason of course). If you plan on $20 a head for a plated dinner rest assured that your chicken breast will not be marked properly and the sauce will be slopped allover the plate. You might get generic veggies and powdered mashed potatoes. Nothing to do with the chefs, it's difficult to pay for the labor at this price.

You might also want to ask about service. At $20 a head you might get 1 server for three tables. This is extremely important because it might be 15 minutes before the third table gets served. At buffets this number might even be one 1 server per 5 tables! I've seen it happen before, no kidding.

But who cares right? People go to weddings to see the bride and groom and wish them well. They don't go for the food or drinks, although I know some people whose eyes light up when they hear open bar!  It's all about the party after!

Cheers!

Kuan


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Just got your post, Mezzaluna...I haven't talked to my fiance much about the whole thing because of my mother saying he shouldn't have a say! He does say he wants it outdoors (I don't), and at a very nice and fancy place. Sounds beautiful but the fancier we get the more planning we (I) have to do. We also don't really like the idea of having it so close to mom, unless we go with the church idea, because that's really the only appropriate place in the area.
Unfortunately neither of us have many friends in this area so I don't think I'll be getting any "home made" contributions.
I think my mother is helping so much because she knows I can be a procrastinator--I'd go so far as saying I am queen of procrastinating--so she is probably just trying to help in her usual overbearing way.


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

Nope, he does not. He is not giving a party to which you are invited. You are THE BRIDE. His role, and your mother's, is to help you have a wonderfully memorable day. You will notice I said "wonderfully", as opposed to other kinds of memorable!

May the sun shine, the plans go as arranged, and the bride and groom glow!


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Why is the bride more important than the groom?


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## pete (Oct 7, 2001)

The bride is not more important than the groom. I find it a load of BS when they call the wedding day, HER DAY. It is THEIR DAY. Your fiance should have as much input as you. You two together should make the decisions. It is the first good test of a soon-to-be married couple. If you can't get along while making the wedding decisions and both compromise how will you ever come to terms on other decisions once you are married? You two, together should plan it. You will both have to make compromises but in the end it will be YOUR wedding. As for Mom, she can make suggestions but ultimately you guys need to make the choices. But I found out, it is much easier if you let her think she is the one making those decisions. Be devious, be sly, but you must not let her take control, if you don't want her to. But don't be so forceful that feelings are hurt. I have seen many weddings marred because the bride and mom were fighting over wedding arrangements. Ultimately, it is not worth that kind of trouble.

P.S. I think Mezz was referring to your Dad making the decisions if he is paying.


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

Haha!! Because you ARE! That's a fact!   LOL!

Actually, in my experience, the groom will go with almost anything the bride says. I have two brothers and my wife has four sisters. In every case, the groom only had strong opinions about the tuxedos, and even then, these were limited to things like no tails, choice of shoes, color of vest. Minor things. Other input from the grooms are mostly about the food and not much more. Flowers, bridesmaids, location, dress, bridesmaid's dresses, you will probably get little resistance from the groom.

Although the groom may have a more casual attitude about the wedding details, he's by no means less involved or less important. I know for a fact that my would be wife got frustrated because it seemed that I didn't pay too much attention to certain details, but hey, it didn't mean my heart wasn't in it.

Kuan


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## phatch (Mar 29, 2002)

Do what you want with your wedding. Not what someone else tells you to.

Recognize that someone somewhere is going to be offended. Don't let it bother you. No matter what you did, someone would be offended. That's just people being people and it's not your problem. You didn't set out to offend them so don't sweat it.

Phil


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## phoebe (Jul 3, 2002)

If you think of the "staging" of church weddings, the bride does seem to be the star. The groom and his best man discretely slide in from some side door near the altar and wait with the rest of the guests until those trumpets (or whatever) sound and the bride, preceded by her handmaidens in hideous dresses designed to look good on no one so the bride won't be upstaged, enters. All rise and turn to look on her and smile and approve. She is the center of attention. I read that in the "wee kirk o' the hill"--or something--in Forest Lawn--a huge So Cal cemetary-- brides, when they begin their hesitation walk down the aisle can kick a treadle switch that sets off special lights that flash on her as she walks. 

It sounds like you and your fiance might want to sit down together over some wine and make separate lists of what you envision your wedding to be. Then rank them. Can you live with the idea of an outdoor wedding if that's the most important aspect for him? Can he live with something of yours that's truly important to you? See what compromises and trade-offs you can make. As Pete notes, this is good practice for the marriage.
After you've come to most if not all the major decisions, then, as a couple, present the plan to the parents (all of them together in one room if possible). Now remember that I've never done this myself, but it seems that a well worked-out plan presented by the couple would be hard to refute or refuse. Just present a united front and do it with love.


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Thanks for keeping this thread going  I can more than live with an outdoor wedding. I mean, if it goes well, I'm sure it will be beautiful. It's what can go wrong that bothers me. (Weather, mainly.) It just seems like an extra headache that can be easily avoided by just getting married indoors.
So it seems like most of you think my fiance should have a pretty big part in this. I tend to agree. My mom is all wrapped in tradition I guess. If I followed tradition all the time I'd be a very different person today.


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## katbalou (Nov 21, 2001)

dear kate,
when is the wedding? if it's to be soon that could only give you a few options as many places are booked way in advance.
kat


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

We have not set a date but we are thinking September 2004. Then we read somewhere that September is popular. But we are flexible.


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## pete (Oct 7, 2001)

Yes, September is a very popular month for weddings. You really should think about setting a date soon and looking for a place so that you have plenty of options available. The longer you wait, the more places will be booked.


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

Yup. "He" referred to her dad. Sorry for the confusion.


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## wizcat3 (Jun 4, 2003)

congrats KateW this is a fun time for you. I just replied with a very long note to you. Login dumped on me again. Ill re write it tomorrow. ugh


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

I get it now.


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

I talked to my dad and he said he was willing to pay for "most of your expenses, like two thirds". He says I should pay for everything though and then send him a grand total and he'll reimburse me. He made it sound like he talked to mom and she didn't want to pay for any of it, but then I talked to mom and she said something about she, dad and me splitting it somehow, like dad does half and mom and I split the other half. Anyway, we have a lot of money to play around with either way, but I think the best thing to do is set a budget before I commit to anything. That will at least help narrow things down.
So...what is a realistic budget for a moderately costly wedding? 
I found a neat little chart online that divides up each expense by percentage. I think that will be helpful too.
Dad and stepmom wholeheartedly agree that this is our day. They poo-poo the tradition thing, saying "That was around when the brides still lived with their parents, and it's much harder now for a bride and her mom to plan a wedding together." 
When I talked to mom tonight after I talked to dad we didn't really talk about the wedding. She called to talk to my fiance! She's having trouble with cable and he works for them, so he helped her out. I think that's the first time she's called specifically to talk to him lol. It was weird.


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## panini (Jul 28, 2001)

when is the date? I have some relatives on the hill. If it's not in the winter I might be able to coinside a fishing trip with doing a cake for ya.


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## wizcat3 (Jun 4, 2003)

OH MY Gosh! You are in trouble. Everyone is going to follow everything you do for this wedding. It is so very cute! I cant wait to follow this. Just relax. Its such a special time. 30 years from not you will have lots to tell your kids. Thats really impt!!!


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

We haven't set a date, but we hope late September 2004. If not September, he wants August, I want October. I'd rather head towards cooler months than sweat my butt off.
Panini, can you send me a sample of that cake?


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## panini (Jul 28, 2001)

Sample? shoot, we'll just knock that puppy out now, put it together and freeze that bugger.
Hey, we did just cold pack overnight some layers to a good friend and it worked out great. She had White Chocolate mousse with poached fresh peaches and apricots. Dark choco mousse and amaretto.
Wedding in what state?
My cakes are the second best here in the board( ya know, a political thing). If you should come here for thewedding because of the cake, watch out for the weekend around Octoer 10-11. Texas-OU weekend.
I also offer my wifes services, She has been selling cakes so long she is probably the best consultant I know. She has all the great tips from soup to nuts.packages, a la carteetc.


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

We are from Massachusetts but are looking at places in RI (we live very close to it) and New Hampshire (dad and stepmom live up there) as well as Massachusetts. We can't please everyone--it's going to be sort of far away for some people and really close for others.


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## culinarian247 (Jan 21, 2002)

K-Dub, I am very happy for you!! I hope you two have an excellent life together. Congrats.....


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## katbalou (Nov 21, 2001)

dear panini,
i can offer you my kitchen and tools to make the cake. i'm less than an hour away from the area kate is looking in. just bring samples, those cakes sound delicious!


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Ok, so I gave in like I always do...I am up at my mom's house now and we are going to look at wedding reception/ceremony places tomorrow, all in her central Massachusetts area...no Newport mansion wedding by the sea, no cute little New Hampshire inn, everything has to be centralized around mom because she is "throwing the party" for me. I always thought the one throwing the party would also be the one paying for it...but of course I didn't say that....
There also seems to be conflicting information from my father; he told me he would pay two thirds or so and I could pay the other part, but I guess he told mom we were each going to pay a third, or something...either way I guess I'm paying a third, so they can hash it out. 
Also now she wants me and her to pick out 3 bridesmaid dress options and let my cousin pick from them. Is that a good idea? I'd much rather let my cousin totally pick her own because she knows best what she looks good in, but mom says her dress has to sort of match the style of my dress...I didn't really see any similarities at all between bridesmaid dresses and bride gowns but I guess it's a good idea to make sure she won't look better than I will...  And yes I am having one bridesmaid...she is the only appropriate female relative I have even seen in the last couple years. Wouldn't feel right asking the cousin I haven't seen in 10 years. 
I drove up here earlier today and boy it was a headache...I can't stand driving 20 minutes to work twice a week and now I have to keep driving up here to make wedding plans. Looks like I am spending weeks at school and weekends at my mom's for the next year. Guess that will make me appreciate my fiance that much more when we get married!
Should I be more appreciative? Yes...probably...she wants to take control and I hate making plans so I should be happy that she wants to do it. Fine...but I draw the line at her attending the honeymoon


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## katbalou (Nov 21, 2001)

kate, 
any updates on the wedding? hope everything is coming together for you.
kat


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

SO!?!?!? How's it going Kate?!?


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## chefmeow (Apr 14, 2004)

Hi Kate! I highly suggest you check out www.ultimatewedding.com (it's free)if you have not already. you can find lots of answers to your general questions there. My wedding would not have been the absolute perfect day it was without the advice of the ladies on that message board (not to say I don't love the folks here!)

My own advice- don't even think of cooking for your own wedding. My husband and I, both professional chefs, did that at the country club my husband worked at at the time, it turned into a media frenzy and hovering and (trying to be) helpful out of town relatives. It turned out fabulous, we saved a ton of money, but the stress- oh, honey, I would have never done that if I had known.

Good Luck and keep us updated!


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## chefmeow (Apr 14, 2004)

Oops, sorry, just noticed the dates on the posts!


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Wow, I totally forgot I posted this until I saw it near the top of the list!
It's coming up fast now, less than a month. Everything is falling into place except we have a couple of things to iron out with the mother in law. She is quite an irrational person and I don't think she understands she has no say in anything, especially since she is not willing to help with anything, even had to twist her arm to get her to help pay for the rehearsal dinner! I ended up sending the rehearsal invitations myself and everything. They will not be making any toasts at the dinner or the wedding reception, basically they want to be invisible and yet the mother threatens not to come if we do not seat her at the head table. Right now there are no parents at the head table, so it would just be her and her husband, me, the groom, the best man and maid of honor. My fiance went to Tennessee with them just a few days ago and said he would talk to her on the way back to make sure that's really what she wants, and then I will have to tell my mom, who of course wants everything done HER way (ie no parents at the head table at all)...They are on their way back now and I hope he doesn't forget.
Every other day there has been an issue with her not getting her way. We are getting down to the end now and I can't imagine what else she won't like but that's what I said at the beginning, too.
Just about everything else is hunky dory. I just need to order some shoes for when I change out of my gown before we leave. We need to get the marriage license--it's so hard for both of us to have time off together but we can probably get it done Thursday. We also need to make our hotel reservations for the night of and night after. I'm trying to give my fiance things to do because he kept asking if he could do anything, but when I give him things to do they don't get done.
The payment issue is resolved but I think my mom still thinks it's a surprise party or something...she always goes off about how she is throwing this party for me. Well I never heard of someone throwing a party and not doing what the honored person would like. I don't like the color of the maid of honor's dress (I wasn't even there when she bought it and I had no idea what it looked like until she showed me at her house, after she bought it) and of course everything at the wedding has to match that color. The color is magenta...what matches magenta? Other pinks...yippee. I snuck a note to the florist saying "Please lean towards purples"...I can deal with purple...
So I just hope a lot of the pictures are taken against a white background or something lol!
Remind me to never get married again  I guess that's the idea!


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## katbalou (Nov 21, 2001)

is it too late to elope??  
i have a MIL just like yours, it took her 20 years to realize i was a good partner for her son.
good luck and best wishes.
kat


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Yeah I think it's too late  Too many down payments paid, too many people coming out of their way to be there. I appreciate all the presents, and the TWO parties thrown for us so far (still no bachelorette party, LOL). We're already getting wedding presents in the mail, and mom says it's fine to open them as we get them, but I think my fiance wants to wait...  
I don't know if my MIL will ever think I'm a good match. She doesn't even speak to half of her own family...I don't need her approval, but it sure would be nice!


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## erin (Oct 4, 2002)

Hey Kate -- has the wedding happened yet? How did it go???

Sounds like you had a really rough go of it, planning-wise. I hope that on your wedding day, you can (or did) take a minute with your new hubby to appreciate each other and realize that this day was just the beginning -- you get the rest of your lives to plan everything else exactly how YOU want it!  

Mazel tov!


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## katew (Feb 22, 2002)

Well I guess maybe the harder the planning is, the better it all ends up in the end, because really, nothing majorly bad happened. There was a little weird mixup with the music--they played the wrong song during the mothers' walk down the aisle, but who cares...The dj didn't play all the songs we had requested, but again, we barely noticed. The food was delicious. I had to try a bit of everything, except I missed one of the hors d'oeuvres and I only had one entree, lol..I suppose I could have asked for a little piece of beef but oh well. The swordfish was excellent as were the sides. The cake was amazing and so was the platter of cookies they put out. They had a chocolate-dipped cookie that tasted like coffee and absolutely melted in your mouth. 
The ceremony went without a hitch and so did the reception. I was worried about the dances because we hadn't practiced even once but it went great. We are so happy and I can't believe it's over. I still keep thinking "I have to remember such and such at the wedding", and then I realize it has happened. Now we're getting ready to leave for Las Vegas bright and early tomorrow.
I got some amazing wedding presents, including a few family heirlooms--some china and a nice chair.
Gotta go--may post more later--


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## kuan (Jun 11, 2001)

I just wanna say congrats Kate  May you have many years of happiness together!


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## mezzaluna (Aug 29, 2000)

Kate, it sounds like your day was grand! Best wishes for many happy years together. Have a wonderful wedding trip!

We also had music mix-ups; a late-arriving usher; and a groom who almost fainted- twice. The best part is thinking every day that it was the start of a wonderful life together.


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## katbalou (Nov 21, 2001)

:bounce: :bounce: congratulations!!!!!! :bounce: :bounce: 
may you have many years of happiness!!
kat


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