# what to do when first love ends...



## april02 (Nov 25, 2001)

This may sound strange, and maybe a little pathetic, but as a few of you know I've been dating my now ex. boyfriend for about two and a half years now. Well, we broke up. Not officially yet. We, well I, suggested we try the break up for a month. But i think I don't want to be with him anymore. We have been fighting too much lately and he doesn't understand my future ambitions. And what's worse is I'm only seventeen years old and I don't remember how to be me without him... and now that brings us up to date... and I'm not exactly sure what to do... 
so if you have any break up stories you'd like to share or any other random pearls of wisdom they are much needed..
thank you april


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## suzanne (May 26, 2001)

"Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, start all over again."

Really, I don't mean to sound flip. When a dear friend (not boyfriend, just a close friend) moved away a couple of years ago, I felt so sick to my stomach; couldn't eat (yes, ME!). It took a few weeks until I stopped being sad and started to enjoy life again. (And remember, I'm MARRIED!!!!)

It hurts a lot now, and it will for a while. Part of you may always hurt. But there's so much world out there, you never know what you'll find. (Maybe even that the 2 of you will get back together someday, who knows?)

You'll be fine, eventually. Probably before he is, because you have personal goals to focus on. And if you find you don't like the "you" you turn out to be, you can re-invent yourself!


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## shawtycat (Feb 6, 2002)

I stayed with my first love for 9 years of arguing about my ambitions. I wanted to be a cook and he thought it was stupid. I finally broke it off when I had our daughter and he didnt want to share me with her. The pain dims a little and sometimes you will reflect on what might have been but ultimately you realize that it was the best choice.

Ive been with my now fiance for 3 1/2 years and we are about to have our second boy. I am taking an internet CIA course and pursuing my dream with his full support. Just to let you know that Ive been where you are. Im not that much older that you since Im only 25. If you want a friend you can email me at [email protected].

Remember....when you make yourself happy you will be happy and so will everyone else. Only you can do that. Go follow you dreams.


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## foodnfoto (Jan 1, 2001)

First, eat a pint of Double Chocolate Fudge Chunk (not the frozen yogurt version). 
Second, remember that you have your whole life in front of you to discover who you are and what you want to do. (James Michener didn't write his first book until age 55!)
Third, do what you love, the men (and money) will follow.


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## katbalou (Nov 21, 2001)

definitely the chocolate. ben & jerry - cherry garcia.
then realize you are only 17 and there's a long time left for living.  you'll be o.k. it just takes a while for the raw pain to go away.


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## nancya (Apr 30, 2001)

April, I'm so sorry. I don't think that there are any words or stories that really will make things feel better right now. Not even ice cream.

My own feeling is that we receive gifts from everyone that comes into our lives. We grow as people with each relationship, good or bad, romantic or not. When the pain is less, celebrate the wonderful things that have helped you to grow.

The pain, too, is part of growing.

Nancy


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## cape chef (Jul 31, 2000)

Dear April,

I have no first love break up stories to share with you.

My friend, look at yourself in the mirror, take sometime doing this.

You will find your answer their.


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## jill reichow (Mar 12, 2001)

Dear April, every one comes into our lives at a certain time for a reason. It may not seem like it now, but there was a reason for you to date him and to break up with him.

Remember that you cannot live your life to please someone else. You have to live your life for yourself first because if you aren't happy with yourself, no one else will be able to make you happy either. 

Live and grow and blossom. You have your eyes set on a course for yourself. What you will learn will only make you a beter person and more interesting to others(of both sexes). If you don't follow your dreams, you will always resent him holding you back.

You have a good head on your shoulders, do what you feel is right.....and tell your mom how great we all think you are.

the pain will get better..........
hugs
jill


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## chiffonade (Nov 29, 2001)

...For their ability to move on with their lives after a breakup when it took me six months of cold hands, blue lips and utter misery.

Then I learned how to navigate my way around a breakup.

If a couple has broken up, there has to be a reason. Something broke down. For one or both of you, the quality of the relationship ceased to be at an acceptable level. For one or both of you, the other stopped being what was needed in each other's lives. Whatever contribution was made to either of your lives, it's either no longer necessary or it stopped being contributed. This is not the end of the world for either of you. It might be if you resided on a deserted island and he was the only other inhabitant but you wouldn't have an internet connection if that were the case, so it's moot.

Women tend to blame themselves for breakups. We're good at self-reflection and assuming responsibility when things go wrong. Once we cease this line of thinking and realize that a relationship is created by the joining of at least *two* people, we can stop shouldering all the blame and move on with our lives.

Remember:

A relationship was only a waste of time if you repeat the same mistakes. Learn something, derive some lesson out of a failed relationship, and try your best not to have to contend with the same situation a second time.

Look in the mirror and say this out loud to yourself: *I am a quality person with a lot to offer a companion.* And believe it. Don't sell yourself short by accepting defeat and considering yourself unworthy of happiness.

Self-esteem is the best pheromone. People tend to want to surround themselves with people who hold themselves in high esteem. Now don't get so inflated that you're impossible to be around but be confident in what you have to offer to a companion or even your friends and family.

When a relationship dies I compare it to a dead horse. Don't try to breathe life into a dead horse, it'll only give you bad breath.

I've been married twice before my current (and final) marriage. It took me 3 tries to find someone who was truly a complement to the person I am. First husband was a mismatch but we're still friends and speak often. Second husband was a nightmare and I wouldn't p!ss on him if he were on fire. Finally, my terrific guy came along (in of all places a Yahoo! chatroom) and we are blissfully happy. As a matter of fact, we just celebrated our 4th anniversary...of the day we met.

This is a person in whose life I always want to be. I don't want to even consider what my life would be like without him. You may say, "that's how it was with us," but you'd be wrong. To fully enjoy this type of closeness, it has to be reciprocal, or it's a fantasy all in your head.

If/when a person stops making you happy, they need to be out of your life. Find yourself someone whose company you crave, whom you kiss, or at least touch, just about every time he enters a room. Find someone in whose presence you feel respected and treasured, who, when he smiles at you, makes you feel like you're the most important thing in his life. Find someone who respects your hopes and dreams and will support you in any endeavors you may have for the future. This huge and cannot be stressed enough.

These are basic building blocks of a strong foundation. This is what I wish for you.


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## shawtycat (Feb 6, 2002)

I believe that this statement is the reason I have not yet married my fiance. It feels more like living with my best friend and we even have separate rooms. It is nice to have someone who supports your dreams but it is also nice to have that kind of "Physical Attraction" also. Now if I can find a guy who has the physical attraction of my first love with the stability and support of my now fiance. Maybe Im just staying put because of my kiddies for now.....NAH! Im pregnant and havent the energy to leave. But I do know that this is not a long term thing. 

As chiffonade said..every relationship is a learning experience. They are all confusing and you just have to try not to make the same mistakes. And trust me, I am learning alot from this one.


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## chiffonade (Nov 29, 2001)

Shawty, it sounds like you've gotten yourself woven into one of those situations to which there is no easy answer. I hope you get it all sorted out.

As for the "attraction" thing - That's the #1 reason I got divorced the first two times. Guys have this belief that it's _women_ who quit being interested in sex after marriage - but I'm living proof that's not true. In a 2.5 year marriage with #1, we had sex 7 times; three in one week trying to conceive daughter (which was successful). In a 5 year total relationship with #2, he preferred the act of "self satisfaction" rather than have sex with his willing wife. I guess washcloths covered in mineral oil held more sex appeal for him. I once heard a guy say, "The minute you say 'I do' they don't." I wanted to smack him.

After meeting my beloved online, he came to visit me in NY. We spent 2.5 absolutely glorious days together. He saw the sky exactly twice; once on the way to my apt from the airport and once on the way back to the airport. In a 2.5 day visit, we had sex 11 times. OK, so it's waned a bit from 11 times in a 2.5 day period. Realistically though, there has to be some physical attraction, some need to be connected to your mate. If it's not there, you're absolutely right...it's like being with your best friend and that's not the intention of a romantic relationship. They can start out as friendships but friends don't have sex, lovers do.


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## shawtycat (Feb 6, 2002)

My problem is not wanting to hurt anyones feelings. Until I feel extremely miserable that is. Weve had lots of arguments recently. And although he is changing some things and finally stopped bringing up my first in all our arguments, I know it is only a matter of time before we have another.

Sad as it is to say. You guys are the only friends of my own I have. Everyone else I know are his friends. You know how some guys hate it when they are arguing and the lady is bawling? Well it is the other way around for me. I cant stand it when they start crying. I feel so guilty and mean. And if someone tells me that I should think of the kids one more time, Im gonna pop em. No matter how pregnant I am. I have a daughter and I dont want her thinking that people should walk all over her.

Sorry April....I guess I am still in the same boat you are...do you have an extra box of Kleenex??? Im gonna stop hogging your thread.

Oh and Chiff, its not him that doesnt want to have sex. I know its good but it still feels like my best friend. I just dont know how to explain it.


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## chiffonade (Nov 29, 2001)

Shawty, you're not hogging her thread - you're increasing her perspective, indeed all of our perspective, on what it's like to be in a relationship where only _part _ of it is rewarding. If April can learn from our experiences, perhaps she can save herself some heartache later.


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## shawtycat (Feb 6, 2002)

Well since Im not hogging Aprils thread I think Ill give her some insight of what happens to people who don't follow their dreams.

Im soon going to be a mommy of three (Alyssa 4, Antonis 1 and Dimitri due in June), my fiance (ok boyfriend..Im not willing to get married yet) is blind and his family owns a business, I am bought expensive gifts whether I want them or not, he is 10 years older than me and I am surrounded by expensive things. The reason he is willing to support my cooking career is so I can cook at his family's establishment. (Yes we had an arguement about that too). My bank account is mine in name only since the money in it is his. Not mine. I cant just spend any of it without first consulting him. I am also badgered about talking to my daughter's father which annoyes me. So why am I so unhappy. I dont want things and babies. I want love.

My first love *was* true love but he did not want to go forward then. As in get a job too so we all would be better off. I was the one carrying the family and was sick and tired of taking care of everyone. We broke up because we couldnt understand each other in the last year of the relationship. Now we both have regrets and feel stuck where we are.

I had to leave college because I was pregnant with our daughter. I got my own place and two jobs. I gave up my apartment to come here because I was told it would be better for my daughter. Now here I am, almost 25 with 3 kids and feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. Not independent but dependent. Now I am focusing on making myself happy and getting my independence back. Which is what I finally yelled at my "boyfriend" during our last argument a few weeks ago. I am never going to be happy until I am able to cook and return to school. And I am tired of everyone telling me to wait so they can do what they want.

Follow your dreams *first* and let the love follow later. Who knows he/you may like each other better the second time around.


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## april02 (Nov 25, 2001)

---well, He's coming over in likeand hour and a half and I think we're basically just gonna end it officially... I don't know what to think about this... there's more but I'll have to write that later cause I have a lot of homework to finish before he gets here... thank you all so much for listening to me...


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## jamp (Mar 17, 2002)

Hi... I'm new here and feel like I have been listening in on a couple of women in the booth behind me.. trying not to listening but not succeeding! Ya know what I mean.. LOL! 
April, I believe that when the pit of your stomach is aching do whatever it takes to make it stop. I know it sounds just way too simple but after many years going from bad to really horrible relationships the only thing that was common was that when at any point I got that gut feeling things weren't right, for whatever reason, and I ignored it, things got worse. Never better. Its amazing how what they say is true.. when you stop looking it finds you. Just find a way to calm that feeling in your gut... dump him, date him, forget him, or just eat a lot of ice cream but do what makes your true inner gut feel better. If you listen to your head then you rationalize it and put up with way more than you should, and we know how our hearts can sure screw things up, but the pit of the stomach never lies.. well unless you've had bad seafood! 
And its about the time you think.. Ya know I've been pretty happy ALONE that "Mr. Just About Perfect" shows up.

But to help right now...

MY GENERAL RULES TO GET OVER THE BAD ONES!
1st step to any recovery... forget what it was like in the "good times".. if you walked (or ran) away there was a reason.. give yourself some time to dwell on those. 

2nd step.. make a list of exactly why you ended things. I mean actually write it down. Don't cheat and make it up in your head. Put it on paper. 

3rd step... Write down how you deserve and want to be treated. Put it on some pretty paper and on the bottom sign it. (We give more weight to the papers we sign.)

4th... Keep those two lists by your bed. When you start to think "Maybe I was better off with him" take out the one from step 2 and it becomes very clear that you're wrong. 
Then read the list from number three. 

I know it may sound silly but it got me through a really horrible divorce and then several years of dating later. I still have the list from step 3 laying in a small satin covered box next to my bed. In the same box are all the letters from the man who is laying here asleep next to me just like everynight for the past year and a half. Because when ALL of the things on your list come true it will be a happiness that makes all the bad times fade away. And you will never feel that twisted weight in the pit of your stomach again.


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## risa (May 11, 2001)

I officially broke up with my first boyfriend/love of over 4 years last November, but it was basically over for about a year. That made it an easy decision because I had been miserable that last year. He was my best friend for the first three years and we could talk about everything and anything. Then, he started being more secretive and I began to catch him lying. I tried to convince myself that it was just my imagination and possible insecurity because he had moved up to Chicago and we didn't see each other as much anymore. I tried to talk to him to clear the air and he would immediately be defensive, even at a totally innocuous question like "what did you have for dinner last night?" It got to the point where I basically didn't know what we could even talk about anymore. That was the most painful part of the relationship; I lost my best friend. I got more and more depressed; then, something changed soon after Sept. 11th. I was reminded that life was too short and it was time to move on. I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision, so it took me another month before I made it official. I also wanted a little more time with Theo who was really my ex's dog, but he had lived with me for 3/4 of his life. I knew that my ex wouldn't give me Theo and I realized that I couldn't move on with my own life if Theo stayed with me. Losing Theo was the most heart-wrenching part of the breakup and that's what still makes me cry. I miss Theo everyday, but I don't miss my ex at all. He actually still calls about once a month and asks if I can make him a batch of cookies -- as if!

I'm alone now except for two heaven-sent Australian shepherds (Glory and Pippin), turning 30 in a few weeks and very content. I wouldn't say I'm completely happy because I want children and a family, but I'd say that life is pretty good. I lost a lot of myself with my first love and I'm now rediscovering my own value. I'm just a little worried that I'm liking my independence too much.


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## kokopuffs (Aug 4, 2000)

I had a real major psychological upheaval over the fact that "she didn't love me anymore" back last November. I needed counseling for a few sessions. What helped alot was being with friends and going out on the town to take my mind off of her as well. I realized that there are more fish in the pond, too. GET OUT THERE as the commercial says.


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